Little boy to teacher: I am the ultimate unicorn!
Michigan
Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category
Sigh. You Guys Are So Predictable.
Comic book artist: Is the word “stab” or “poink” best for a dog nose being inserted into someone’s butt?
Group of coworkers in unison, very serious: “Poink,” definitely.
Portland, Oregon
The Website?
Girl pointing at caterpillar on floor: Oh my god! What is that?
Friend: Ew, it’s a caterpillar!
Girl: It just crawled out of me!
Friend: What?
Girl: Well she was just telling me that there are fish that crawl up your va-j‑j if you pee in the lake!
Friend: That’s only for guys. And in the Amazon!
Redding, California
Happens to Everyone Eventually
Woman #1: I fell down the stairs yesterday.
Woman #2: Oh my god! Me, too! What happened?
Woman #1: I don’t know. I just fell.
Woman #2: I guess I’m a little better than you — a possum was chasing me.
Target
Virginia
Nobody Even Pretends to Understand U.S. Politics
Teacher: So, you have two teams. Let’s make a team name. Like…the red team and the green team, or the lion team and the tiger team. What’s your team name?
Ten-year-old boy: Obama team. (team members nod)
Teacher: Uh, okay. (to other team) So, are you guys the McCain team?
Ten-year-old girl: No! (whispered consultation with team members) Blue team.
English School
Gifu
Japan
Be Careful It Doesn’t Squirt You in the Eye
Guy on cell: Now turn it on and set it to cow mode… Right, but be sure it’s in cow mode… No, you’ll know when it’s in cow mode.
Kroger Grocery
Conway, Arkansas
Overheard by: Not sure I want to know
I’ve Never Felt So Alive!
Male professor, in a very girly voice: Aaaahhh! I’m being trampled by sea horses.
UMass
Amherst, Massachusetts
Our Sex Life Is Gaggleicious
19-year-old girlfriend: You’re a silly goose!
19-year-old boyfriend: You are too!
19-year-old girlfriend: That’s why we are dating!
Memphis, Tennessee
Getting a Piece Of Tail Is Always a Problem in Ohio
Woman to man: She fucked the lobster?
Cincinnati, Ohio
God, You’re So Competitive, Jason!
Ditzy woman: It would look more like Australia if it was an island, because Australia is an island… right?
Ditzy woman’s daughter: I think that’s the smartest thing that’s ever been said in my presence.
Ditzy woman: Well, somebody in this family has to be brilliant.
Four-year-old boy: Dogs are kinda like vampires because they both have pointy teeth.
Harrisburg, Illinois
