…Be­fore She Finds Out You’re a Mute!

Man walk­ing down street: Dude… your woman just said “we need to talk.” You need to get the fuck out of there right now!

San Fran­cis­co, Cal­i­for­nia

Not Any Loud­er Than Sex in a Prom Dress, Though

Chip­per girl: I tell the sex work­ers that they can wear the fe­male con­dom be­fore go­ing out. You can wear it for, like, three hours. They are kind of loud, though — they crin­kle! Sex is awk­ward, any­way.

Wom­en’s health class, Amer­i­can Uni­ver­si­ty
Wash­ing­ton, DC

Over­heard by: aimc

Every Coun­try Has Its Own Rules for Greet­ing Roy­al­ty

Guy on cell at reg­is­ter: I know! I know! So lis­ten — when you first meet him, go up to him, bow, whip your own chop­sticks, and tell him you would like to pro­cre­ate with him.

Dick­’s Sport­ing Goods
Fair­fax, Vir­ginia

Over­heard by: Cashier who need­ed the laugh

…While You’re Work­ing As a Mall San­ta.

Hus­band: I’m good at find­ing lit­tle kids’ panties.
Wife: That’s not a qual­i­ty that you should an­nounce.

Jer­sey City, New Jer­sey

And But­ton Up Your Pants, Sweet­ie

Lit­tle girl: I love you, pole.
[She kiss­es the pole.]
Fa­ther: Don’t kiss the pole! Keep it rat­ed G!

Out­side a Dim Sum Shop
Alame­da, Cal­i­for­nia

For the Last Time, That Was CPR

Bim­bette #1: We need to find men to buy us drinks tonight — I on­ly have, like, 10 bucks.
Bim­bette #2: Why don’t you make out with Mom again? That worked last time.

Re­hoboth Beach, Delaware

Ge­og­ra­phy One: Self-Aware­ness Ze­ro

Pro­fes­sor: The best time to study ge­og­ra­phy is in the morn­ing af­ter you’ve done the “walk of shame.” It will help you to keep your mind off of what you’ve done.” (cracks up) That’s good shit.

Ge­og­ra­phy Class­room
Michi­gan State

Since Ap­par­ent­ly Assholism No Longer Qual­i­fies

Guy to an­oth­er: I don’t know what to tell you… If she won’t break up with you be­cause you in­vit­ed her to have a three­some, then tell her that you have some dis­abil­i­ty… (mum­bles) …like, what’s that form of autism called? “As­perg­er syn­drome”?

Bar
Austin, Texas

He’s Talk­ing about Date Rape

Ghet­to girl: Yo, I can’t wait to get back to my dorm and just take a nap.
Ghet­to guy: Heh… Well, you know, just don’t let that nap turn in­to, you know, some sleep… Y’­know what I mean?
Ghet­to girl: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Rut­gers Uni­ver­si­ty
New Brunswick, New Jer­sey

Do You Think I Would Fail His Class?

Asian hip­ster: Peo­ple stare at him, and he re­sents them for star­ing at him. But I’m like, ‘Maybe you should bathe!‘
Jew­ish hip­ster: You should give him an ele­phant tran­quil­iz­er or some­thing.

http://overheardinthevalley.blogspot.com/2007/05/people-in-valley-like-elephants-what-is.html

Over­heard by: Glowien