To Them, Your Aquar­i­um Is Just a Raw Bar

Guy at com­put­er: It’s this whole thing with the pen­guins, man…
Friend: Yeah, I know. It’ll work it­self out, though.

Monash Uni­ver­si­ty
Mel­bourne
Aus­tralia

Over­heard by: Tim­o­thy

…Since I Ac­cept­ed Homer Simp­son As My Per­son­al Sav­ior

Teenage girl #1: He hates me.
Teenage girl #2: He does­n’t hate you. Maybe you should just say “hi” to him.
Teenage girl #1: How am I sup­posed to say “hi”? I have voic­es in my head say­ing “I want cheese­burg­ers”!

Can­ber­ra
Aus­tralia

It Is When She’s Blow­ing Me While I Cook

Dish hand: Did you fuck it all up again, chef?
Chef: Sure did.
Dish hand: You do this every fuck­ing shift.
Chef: Yeah, but my wife’s hot.
Dish hand: That is not a valid de­fense!

Ade­laide
Aus­tralia

Rhap­sody on a Theme of Pa­gani­ni? Re­al­ly?

Chick #1, about tech­no mu­sic blast­ing from shop: What does this song make you think of?
Chick #2: Be­ing stabbed re­peat­ed­ly in the eye with a rusty nail.
Chick #1: [Silence.]Chick #2: What about you?
Chick #1: Dis­cos…

Sawn­ston Street and Flinders Street
Aus­tralia

Be­cause He’s a Poor­ly-Drawn Char­ac­ter?

Teacher: Small things amuse small minds, Tim­o­thy.
Kid: Then why does Dum­b­le­dore laugh at such stu­pid shit?

Emer­ald
Aus­tralia

Could You Leave Me Alone with This for a Few Min­utes?

Drunk man to man hold­ing rolled-up news­pa­per: There’s a kind of phal­lic-ness about it, a sort of mas­cu­line qual­i­ty…

The Ship Inn, South­bank
Bris­bane
Aus­tralia

And I’m the Dairy Queen.

Sev­en-year-old girl #1: Hey! There goes An­gus!
Sev­en-year-old girl #2: Oooh, you are falling in love with him.
Sev­en-year-old girl #1: I am so not falling in love with him. He’s al­ler­gic to dairy!

Aus­tralia

Over­heard by: ha­hama­ma

No Aus­tralian Is One Of Those

Maths teacher: Girls, what you need to do is try and think like a math­e­mati­cian.
Stu­dent: Why, miss? We’re not math­e­mati­cians.
Maths teacher: Yes, you are. When­ev­er you do maths, you’re a math­e­mati­cian.
Stu­dent: What about when we’re in Eng­lish class? Does that make us en­gleti­cians?

Aus­tralia

The Kind They Blind You With

Girl #1: What’s Sci­en­tol­ogy?
Girl #2: Is­n’t it like, you know, sci­ence?

Bris­bane
Aus­tralia

Over­heard by: Dave

Now That Met­al Rods Are the Lat­est Fash­ion Craze

Teacher: Okay, now what you do think is the chance of be­ing killed by be­ing struck by light­ning?
Bim­bette: Um­m­mm… prob­a­bly like, one in two.
Class: (si­lence)
Teacher: One in two?
Bim­bette: Wait! Make that one in ten.

Class­room
Syd­ney
Aus­tralia