Once He Walks Through JoAnn's Door, a Man Starts to Die

Girlfriend, holding up scrapbook thing: Do you like this?
Boyfriend: Yeah, it's nice.
Girlfriend: “It's nice,” because it's nice, or “it's nice,” so we can get the fuck out of here?

JoAnn Fabrics and Crafts
Tacoma, Washington

Overheard by: baker98391

So Maybe She Needed Out-of-This-World Sex

Guy on cell: Yeah, I hooked up with her. [pause] I fucked her. She was tight. [pause] She hasn’t called me back. I don’t get why it’s so hard to take five seconds out of your day to see how I’m doing. [pause] She’s, like, Asian. Half Asian and half alien.

Barnes & Noble
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Hobo

And They're the Only Place You Have Any Fat

Obviously skinny girl: Do you think I should get lipo?
Friend: No! There's nothing wrong with your boobs.

Rochester, New York

Overheard by: wow!!

And He Was All, “But I’m Just the Babysitter!”

Lady to friend: So I told him… ten dollars for a hand job!
Friend: Good for you! What an asshole!

Ashland & North Ave
Chicago, Illinois

Some People Just Look Better with Misshapen Skulls

Guy #1 (after guy #2 leaves): Man, I hate him so much.
Girl: What? Why?
Guy #1: Ever since he fell out that window and almost died and shit, girls have been all over him. He's a goddam womanizer.
Girl: He is pretty cute.

Houston, Texas

Ho Couture

Subway musician to friend: That’s great! Now if only there was a cum-stained dress!

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Terry B

Your Editors Are Already Imagining Their New Website

Girl #1, about girl #2's umbrella: That's so skinny!
Girl #2: Yeah, thanks.
Girl #1: You could do bad things with that…

Binghamton University, New York

Overheard by: Jillian

…According to Miss Manners.

Girl #1: Oh, I like your jacket.
Girl #2: Thanks, it's not mine, Julie loaned it to me. Thank god she did, because she puked on mine.
Girl #1: Is that why she loaned it to you?
Girl #2: No, I didn't tell her she puked on mine. It's not really cool to bring up stuff people did when they were having a seizure.

Cork
Ireland

Alphonse Was Sick That Day in Health Class

Middle-aged black man #1: She has a pretty face.
Middle-aged black man #2: I can’t fuck a face!

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Tad Allagash

This Is Still Lindsay Lohan's Most Functional Relationship to Date

Drunk lesbian to sober girlfriend: Aw, I wanna puke but I can't!
Sober girlfriend: I would punch you in the stomach if you wanted …that's how much I love you.
Drunk lesbian: Awww, that's sweet.

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Claire