Archive for the ‘Crimes’ Category

This Sea­son’s Most Un­like­ly Love Sto­ry

Girl, look­ing at video games: If I had a sword that pimp, I would just kill peo­ple all day and run around.
Boy fol­low­ing her: Girl, if you had a sword that pimp I would stop be­ing gay and make you stop to make love to me.
Girl, look­ing ap­palled: I’d be busy killing peo­ple, though.
Boy, mat­ter-of-fact­ly: Well… I’d make you stop every thir­teen kills.

Ran­dom Wal­mart
Boise, Ida­ho

Over­heard by: Bun­nee

Prison Pret­ty Much Takes Care Of That, Any­way.

Teacher: So… then, what should hap­pen to the guy?
Stu­dent #1: I think he should be sent to jail.
Stu­dent #2: I think that since he killed his neigh­bor, he should have to be killed him­self. Get the death penal­ty. Ya know… “eye for an eye”.
Stu­dent #3: That’s the stu­pid­est thing in the world. It does­n’t work in all sit­u­a­tions.
Stu­dent #2: Yes it does! Let’s say some guy mo­lests a kid, then the guy should… (pause) Ok… Nev­er­mind.

High School

Good Point –No Ef­fect on Re­li­gious Be­liefs

Pro­fes­sor: Now, if we did elim­i­nate ill­ness and achieved im­mor­tal­i­ty there might be se­ri­ous re­li­gious reper­cus­sions. Can any­one think of how this might af­fect re­li­gious be­liefs?
Bim­bette: Well, like, if Hitler were im­mor­tal, he would, like, go to jail for, like, a mil­lion years and then, like, chill out for eter­ni­ty, you know?

Eter­nal Youth and Im­mor­tal­i­ty Sem­i­nar
Lafayette Col­lege, Penn­syl­va­nia

Over­heard by: knows that Hitler would still be dead be­cause he SHOT him­self

But It Was a Planned In­car­cer­a­tion

Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can’t be­lieve we are not hang­ing out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you’re sup­posed to be hang­ing out with me. We nev­er hang out any­more and we are boyfriend and girl­friend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were sup­posed to hang out this past Sat­ur­day and Sun­day but we did­n’t! You were not fuck­ing there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Mutha­fuck­er you were in jail!

Iowa State Uni­ver­si­ty, Iowa

Over­heard by: Casey

Or Is That Necrophil­ia?

So­cial prob­lems teacher: So what are some so­cial prob­lems that af­fect us to­day?
Fe­male stu­dent: Mur­der?
Teacher: Yeah, that’s good. [writes it on the white board.] Any oth­ers?
Male stu­dent: Nar­cis­sism?
Teacher: I don’t quite un­der­stand…
Male stu­dent: Well if peo­ple are falling asleep all the time and they don’t know it…

Grand Rapids Com­mu­ni­ty Col­lege
Grand Rapids, Michi­gan