…and Rent All the Cool Cars

Little girl: (talking over airport announcement)
Father: Quiet for a second!
Girl: (continues talking until announcement is over)
Father: Great. What if he was saying “Run! Zombies!”? We’ll be sitting here like idiots while the zombies come…

O’Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois

You’ll Pay, Like All the Others, When My Time Machine Is Complete

Five-year-old son: I am going to see the Reds yesterday with Mom.
Father: You mean tomorrow?
Five-year-old son: No, yesterday.
Father, puzzled: I think you mean tomorrow, buddy.
Five-year-old son, frustrated: Ugh! You’re a pea-brain, Dad!

Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: teachinghimthewrongthings

The Unkindest Cold Cut Of All

Young son, after burping loudly: I burped!
Father: Does it smell like baloney?
Young son: No…?
Father: Then you’re not a man yet!

Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: Big D.

Freud’s Children Were His Primary Inspiration

Dad walking towards hotel lounge: Where are your hands?
Young daughter: Somewhere they shouldn’t be!
Dad: That’s right! Somewhere they shouldn’t be!

Austria

And Then We’ll Hold This Nice Man Up.

Father with two small sons dressed in Halloween costumes, walking into liquor store: Okay, guys, now pick out the kind of whiskey you want and go put it up on the counter.

Oshkosh, Wisconsin

You Can Be Arrested for Saying That Sort of Thing at a Michigan Wal-Mart

Five-year-old boy: I feel gay!
Dad: What?
Five-year-old boy: I feel gay!
Dad: No, you don’t.

Wal-Mart
Grand Blanc, Michigan

But If I Did, I’d Advise You to Go with the Heart-Shaped Nipple Clamps

Dad to son, passing Valentine’s Day t‑shirt display: These are kind of nice for your mom, no?
Son: It’s for mom, what do I care?

City Center Mall
White Plains, New York

Overheard by: Nathan

My Partner, Paul, Is As Dumbfounded As I Am

Disgruntled dad-to-be: I wish I could sue the urologist, but it is what it is. So now I’m having a son. Whatever.

Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Glad he’s not my Dad

Your Birthday’s Not for Another Two Weeks

Dad: Why are you wearing your sunglasses inside?
Nine-year-old boy: I don’t know… ‘Cause I feel like it.
Dad: Well, take them off. You’re not a gangster, pimp, or high… yet.

Chinook Theatre
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia

Overheard by: Hannah

I Like to Think Of It As Adding a Little More Magic to the Kingdom

Male golfer to 20-something son and his girlfriend: See, that’s the problem golfing with a female. If there are no women here, the world is your toilet!

The Magnolia Golf Course, DisneyWorld
Orlando, Florida