And They’re Use­less Against Al­li­ga­tors

Two-year-old boy, ad­mir­ing his hands in­stead of the al­li­ga­tors: Look, Dad — look at my nails!
Gri­mac­ing fa­ther: Yes, yes… Your moth­er is to blame for that.

At­lanta Zoo
Geor­gia

The Queen Ami­dala Head­dress Is Re­al­ly Heavy

Cos­tumed dad to lit­tle girl: You need to lis­ten. Un­der­stand? You will not take your clothes off!

Star Wars 30th An­niver­sary Cel­e­bra­tion
Los An­ge­les, Cal­i­for­nia

So Stop Feed­ing Them That Freeze-Dried Ice Cream

Man: I just want­ed to go to the cafe­te­ria la­dy and say, ‘My chil­dren are not as­tro­nauts!’

Ted’s Restau­rant
Vir­ginia

Over­heard by: Nic

That’s for Church

Four-year-old boy to group of moth­ers: Guess what!
Group: What?
Four-year-old boy, ex­cit­ed: I just peed stand­ing up!
Boy’s fa­ther: That’s not some­thing we tell peo­ple!

Chil­dren’s Room, Ka­ton­ah Li­brary
Ka­ton­ah, New York

Over­heard by: amused li­brar­i­an

The Wine Will Re­veal Her True Self.

Fa­ther to young daugh­ter in de­part­ment store: I’m just go­ing to get her a bot­tle of wine since I don’t know what a coverup is.

Falls Church, Vir­ginia

I Like to Think Of It As Adding a Lit­tle More Mag­ic to the King­dom

Male golfer to 20-some­thing son and his girl­friend: See, that’s the prob­lem golf­ing with a fe­male. If there are no women here, the world is your toi­let!

The Mag­no­lia Golf Course, Dis­ney­World
Or­lan­do, Flori­da

The Wolf Was No Match for Grand­ma

Dad: Lat­er, we need to find grand­ma a boyfriend.
Sev­en-year-old son: Grand­ma al­ready has a boyfriend, though.
Dad: Re­al­ly? Who?
Sev­en-year-old son: She’s mar­ried to grand­dad!
Dad: No, no, your oth­er grand­ma.
Sev­en-year-old son: Oh yeah, she re­al­ly needs a boyfriend.

Train
Man­ches­ter
Eng­land

Fine, Call It “Guano” If That Makes You Feel Bet­ter

Man to son: Stop talk­ing about vam­pire bats and fo­cus on your poop.

San Diego, Cal­i­for­nia

That’s Why I Mar­ried Her, Sweet­ie

Dad, lead­ing three-year-old girl to bath­room: You need to go pot­ty? You can sit on the pot­ty in here.
Three-year-old girl: No, that pot­ty’s not for me. That’s for mom­my. She has a big butt.

Alame­da, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: lith

You’re No Pussy, Dad

Teenage girl to fa­ther: I did­n’t come out of her vagi­na, okay? I don’t have to re­spect her.
Fa­ther: Well, I guess you don’t re­spect me ei­ther, cause you did­n’t come out of my vagi­na!

Chesa­peake, Vir­ginia

Over­heard by: made my day