Archive for the ‘Drunks’ Category

We Fear for Our Submitter's Health

Very drunk 20-something guy: Honestly, I get a pulse in my dick when I talk to you. I'm going to fuck you tonight.
Rough-looking chain smoking 50-something woman: Oh yeah?
Very drunk 20-something guy: I'm so hard right now… Have a feel.
Rough-looking chain smoking 50-something woman, grabbing hold of his crotch: You're totally flaccid.
(very drunk 20-something bursts into hysterical laughter)

Leamington Spa

Overheard by: Bleep

Especially with Your Hand on My Boob.

Drunk brunette: I'm so ready! I wanna fuck! I mean, you and Ryan* fuck! All the time! I know you do!
Sober blonde: Please don't ever say that again.
Drunk brunette: Fine, prude! You and Ryan* make loooove all the time, right?!
Sober blonde: Could you please just say “have sex”? This is so weird.

Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: i*agree

Who Are You?

Drunk girl #1: I don’t know how much I liked that wine.
Drunk girl #2: Me either. It was kind of too sweet.
Drunk girl #3: Guys, I just swallowed a dime.

Overheard by: tan

That, and Getting Highlights

Drunk lady: So, like, I haven’t been to the bar since five. I really hope this plane comes soon, because I have to get to Jacksonville because my mother-in-law is dying. Hahaha! Isn’t that funny? Oh my god, I look awful. I should have never left the house without my eyeliner.
Guy, staring: You’re serious?
Drunk lady: Absolutely. I can never step outside the house without makeup.
Guy: I don’t think you should step outside without rearranging your priorities.
Drunk lady: It’s my New Year’s resolution.

St. Paul International Airport
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: Aayin