Nine Months Lat­er, I Had You.

Stu­dent: So then I turned round and there was a snake in my ba­con!

Birch­wood Com­mu­ni­ty High School
War­ring­ton
Eng­land

Jamie Lee Cur­tis Can Be Cru­el

Guy to friend: And then she said, “I am not even half the man she used to be.”

Ox­ford
Eng­land

Over­heard by: Well, she WAS born in Ger­many

Michael Jack­son: At Least I’m Con­sis­tent!

Woman talk­ing on phone to friend: I have a re­al thing for lit­tle boys. I nev­er used to…

Train Leav­ing Brighton
Eng­land

Over­heard by: Wish­ing she had­n’t tuned in at that point

My Se­cret? I Like Forcible Sex

Drunk teen: Any­one could be a rapist… I could be a rapist, that la­dy with the bag could be a rapist… [La­dy with bag looks over, ap­palled.] Oh, well, I’m sure you are re­al­ly very nice!

King’s Cross Night Bus
Lon­don
Eng­land

Over­heard by: An­drea

ROT­FLM­FAOAWMP

Mid­dle-aged woman: What the fuck is ‘W‑T-F’?

Ex­mouth, De­von
Unit­ed King­dom

Over­heard by: Bernard

There’s a Drag Ball at Grand­pa’s Nurs­ing Home Tonight

Girl to friend: So, how many skirts do you know that are made for the fig­ure of a man?

Priest­ley Col­lege
War­ring­ton
Eng­land

Over­heard by: Run­cor­ni­anAsh

That’s Just Crazy Enough to Work!

Drunk guy: Yeah, well, you could spunk on her face, then lick your jizz off her dread­locks.

Pub
Leam­ing­ton Spa
Eng­land

Over­heard by: Bleep

The Wolf Was No Match for Grand­ma

Dad: Lat­er, we need to find grand­ma a boyfriend.
Sev­en-year-old son: Grand­ma al­ready has a boyfriend, though.
Dad: Re­al­ly? Who?
Sev­en-year-old son: She’s mar­ried to grand­dad!
Dad: No, no, your oth­er grand­ma.
Sev­en-year-old son: Oh yeah, she re­al­ly needs a boyfriend.

Train
Man­ches­ter
Eng­land

I Can On­ly An­swer Ques­tions Like “Tubey or Not Tubey?”

Young girl: So what do you think I should do?
Girl­friend: I spent most of last night eat­ing cheese out of a tube. I re­al­ly don’t think I’m the best per­son to ask for ad­vice about your love life.

Lon­don
Eng­land

Over­heard by: Lon­don­Cof­fee

Guess Which One Grew Up with Maids

Girl #1: So, yeah, I was just go­ing to set the hoover to suck, and use that.
Girl #2: Do hoovers suck?

Ox­ford
Eng­land