…Bows­er

Lit­tle boy to grand­ma: Once, when I was camp­ing, I sat on my bis­cuits, then I put my bis­cuits on a rock and ate them like a dog.
Grand­ma: Oh, uh… That’s nice…

Aus­tralia

Well, That’s a Giv­en

HS boy #1: I love cheese­cake in my mouth.
HS boy #2: You love dick in your mouth!!
HS boy #1: Well, yeah, if it has cheese­cake on it!

Chris­tians­burg, Vir­ginia

Like Hav­ing Grand­ma Sit on Your Face

Host­ess de­scrib­ing rose and black la­dy tea com­bo: Smells like rose, tastes like la­dy.

Bei­jing
Chi­na

Well, I Got a Lap Dance in the Buf­fet Line

Girl one: Smell my face. Smell right here. Does­n’t it smell great? The strip­per I got a lap dance from was wear­ing great per­fume.
Girl two: It smells like pick­les.

To­by Kei­th’s Restau­rant
Las Ve­gas, Neva­da

Over­heard by: At least it does­n’t smell like tu­na

She May Have Put Her Pie on Your Pie

Room­mate #1 look­ing at crater-filled pie in freez­er: Dude, what did you do to this pie?
Room­mate #2: Me and Erin* kin­da went at it…
Room­mate #3: Oh, yeah? What else did you guys do?
Room­mate #2: …with a spoon.

Bay­onne, New Jer­sey

Guess What I’ve Done with the But­ter Dis­penser

Pop­corn hater: Oh my god! You’re go­ing to walk out of there with a pop­corn-bag fash­ioned di­a­per, aren’t you?
Pop­corn en­thu­si­ast: It’s sup­port­ive and de­li­cious!

Tempe, Ari­zona

Over­heard by: Meghan

…Since I Ac­cept­ed Homer Simp­son As My Per­son­al Sav­ior

Teenage girl #1: He hates me.
Teenage girl #2: He does­n’t hate you. Maybe you should just say “hi” to him.
Teenage girl #1: How am I sup­posed to say “hi”? I have voic­es in my head say­ing “I want cheese­burg­ers”!

Can­ber­ra
Aus­tralia

Nine Months Lat­er, I Had You.

Stu­dent: So then I turned round and there was a snake in my ba­con!

Birch­wood Com­mu­ni­ty High School
War­ring­ton
Eng­land

Mr. Duchovny’s Voice­mail Fills Up Fast

Teenage girl on cell: David, I fucked you last night. The least you could do is give me a ride to Taco Bell.

St. Louis, Mis­souri

Axe Fi­nal­ly Made a Body Spray Women Like

Girl: What smells like lemon pop­py seed cup­cakes?
Guy: It might be my pe­nis.

Bay­onne, New Jer­sey