Archive for the ‘Gifts’ Category

Ten Bucks Says She’s Fuck­ing Oth­er Guys on It.

Shaven-head­ed guy #1, while piss­ing: So she says to me, “can you take out the rub­bish?” I said no. Then she asked me, “can you change the cat lit­ter?” I said no. Then she asked me, “can you fix the back door..?“
Shaven-head­ed guy #2, while piss­ing: And you said no?
Shaven-head­ed guy #1: Yeah. Any­way, so for Valen­tine’s Day she gets me a ping pong ta­ble. I did­n’t get her any­thing. And now I won’t let her use the ping pong ta­ble.
Shaven-head­ed guy #2: You’re the fuck­ing man, mate!

Leam­ing­ton Spa

Over­heard by: Bleep

I’m Not Even Gonna Ask About Your Leash Col­lec­tion

Grand­moth­er: So my friend gave me dog bis­cuits for my birth­day.
Teen girl: But you don’t have a dog.
Grand­moth­er: She knew I would ap­pre­ci­ate them, dear.
Teen girl: And it is­n’t your birth­day.
Grand­moth­er: That does­n’t mat­ter. I was go­ing to save them for the Box­er that young man brings around the home, but I got hun­gry around noon.
Teen girl: Oh no. You did­n’t.
Grand­moth­er: What? It’s not as if I ate them plain. I boiled a cup of cof­fee and dipped them.

Fram­ming­ham, Mass­a­chu­setts

Just As Long As It’s Hot, Steamy Cof­fee, Okay?

20-some­thing girl, skip­ping over to ex­pen­sive jew­el­ery shop win­dow: Ooooh! Spark­ly things!
20-some­thing guy: Fuck.
20-some­thing girl, eyes shin­ing with de­light: Oh… Look at the rings… They’re beau­ti­ful! (sighs)
20-some­thing guy: No.
20-some­thing girl: Look at that one! It’s cheap!
20-some­thing guy: It’s £450!
20-some­thing girl: You just got paid! Oh, look! That one’s even pret­ti­er and spark­li­er!
20-some­thing guy: Grant­ed… But there’s al­so no price tag… So it’s prob­a­bly gonna be £1,000 at least.
20-some­thing girl, re­signed­ly: Yeah. (perks up) But you’re my friend… (plead­ing voice) Buy me a ring… Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssse!
20-some­thing guy: Look, for a £1,000 ring I’m go­ing to ex­pect at least a cou­ple of shags.
20-some­thing girl: True. Oh, well. Let’s go get cof­fee. (skips off)

Burling­ton Ar­cade

Over­heard by: Bleep

Like Your Fa­ther Needs More En­cour­age­ment to Be Flat­u­lent

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my! I want to get my dad­dy this card!
Moth­er: But hon­ey, you don’t know what that means.
Lit­tle boy: Yes, I do! I do!
Moth­er: Okay, what does it mean?
Lit­tle boy: Pull my fin­ger. It means… pull my fin­ger! That’s what you do, right? You pull the mon­key’s fin­ger.
Moth­er: Um… Hon­ey, you don’t know what that means. Here, why don’t you give Dad­dy this oth­er card in­stead?
Lit­tle boy, cry­ing: No! I do know what it means. I want to get my dad­dy this card! He would like it!
Moth­er, sigh­ing: Okay, fine… But you don’t know what it means.
Lit­tle boy, hap­pi­ly: My dad­dy is re­al­ly go­ing to like this card! I just know it!

Fred Mey­er
Spring­field, Ore­gon