And Who Did Your Tits?

Customer: I’m so sorry about the mess I left in the dressing room — I just had to be sure I loved what I was buying for the big day!
Sales associate: No problem. A girl only gets married once, right?
Customer: Actually, this is my second marriage… What kind of bra are you wearing?

Dillard’s
Denton, Texas

That’s Too Bad, He Was Such a Great Guy

Jock: Wait… Are you talking about Kim? I thought she was dating that guy.
Bimbette: Oh, you mean Fuck-face?
Jock: Yeah.
Bimbette: No, that’s over.

Auburn University
Auburn, Alabama

All Communications Majors Believe Perception Is Reality

Sorority girl #1: I may as well go around and sleep with all the people everyone thinks I’m sleeping with…
Sorority girl #2: I would *so* not judge you for that.

Bryant University
Smithfield, Rhode Island

Everyone Knows after the First Trimester, You Move on to Goat Enzymes

Cashier #1: So, do you think Ms. Rachel is pregnant, like Missy said?
Cashier #2: No, Missy is always so full of it.
Cashier #1: Yeah, that’s what I thought. I mean, if Ms. Rachel was pregnant, she wouldn’t be messing around with pig’s blood still.

Target
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: In agreement, although disturbed

Give It Time

Teen girl #1: I heard this place is full of snakes and dead people.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, well, it’s not a mall!

James River
Richmond, Virginia

A Squirrel?

Ghetto woman, indignantly: And then he told my mama he wanted me to get tested ’cause he didn’t think the baby was his!
Ghetto man, outraged: Inconsiderate fuck! It was his, wasn’t it?
Ghetto woman: Hell no! I don’t know who I be sleeping with! [They laugh.] Bitch, please — I fuck like a squirrel!

Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Tiki

I’ll Miss Foaming at the Mouth, Though

Teen girl: Well, I had to stop eating soap, but I’m sure I’ll be fine anyways!

Madison, Wisconsin

Which Qualifies As a Learning Disability These Days

Irritated mother: Well, maybe he got such bad grades because he was drunk while he was doing his homework!

Guelph, Ontario
Canadia

Their Lullabies Are the Stuff of Nightmares

Professor, on possible Nazi allusions in animation: Well, it was a German film, and any time you hear German muttering, it’s harsh words and armbands.

Rhode Island School of Design
Rhode Island

Overheard by: Sandro

Though As a History Tutor, She’s Subpar

Asian student on cell: Yeah, yeah. He know her long time. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah. She better than stripper.

University of Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts