Loudmouthed breakfast patron: I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but what if you keep kosher and someone, like, brings a pig to your house? Like, what do you do with their pet pig?
Toast Two
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Paul
Archive for the ‘Illinois’ Category
Almost As If Drinking Affected My Judgment in Some Way
Guy #1: I once tried to hit on a chick while I was drunk and throwing up, but now that’s just a fun story I tell and nobody lost their respect for me.
Guy #2: Except for the girl you were hitting on.
Guy #1: Well, I don’t know. Her nickname was “dicktooth.”
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Wait, an Outline, or Solid Shaded?
Girl: I bet he would.
Friend: No, he wouldn’t.
Girl: I’ll call him now. [Dials] Hey, honey. Quick question: if I had a tattoo of a dick on the inside of my thigh about half an inch away from my pussy, would you lick it? [Pause] No. I said ‘if’… Well, no, I’m not saying it’s totally out of the question… Fine. We’ll talk about it when I get home. [To friend] See? I told you he would!
Bus stop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Dana
Wouldn’t That Require the Right to Bear Arms?
Pleasant English lady in line at checkout: Whoever invented all these human rights should be shot!
Scott Air Force Base
St. Clair County, Illinois
Overheard by: Ninjamedic
Why Do I Always Gotta Be the Burrito Holder?
Dude: Hold this burrito, I gotta take my clothes off.
Chicago, Illinois
Shouldn’t This Be Eleventeen
Statistics professor writing on board: I’ll leave the numbers out because I always get them wrong anyway.
University of Chicago
Illinois
Overheard by: too early for this class
How Schoolhouse Rock Was Born
Girl: I feel rather drunk at this conjuncture!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
What’s Your Problem? Twenties Keep Coming Out!
Guy to girl in line at ATM: Stop playing with his butthole! What are you doing to his butthole?!
Champaign, Illinois
Overheard by: In front of her in line, and afraid to turn around
Thanks, Make-a-Wish Foundation!
Drunk girl in bar during Rose Bowl: It’s official–I’m going to be ovulating on my wedding day.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Double V
She Was Like, “Your Dad Really Enjoys Puttin’ on the Ritz, Honey!”
20-something girl to table of people: And I was like, “Whoa, mom–your nipples are like top hats!”
Kasey’s Tavern
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sara
