Fur­ther Ev­i­dence That Frat Boys Are Born, Not Made

Two-year-old: Mom­my, Mom­my, Mom­my…
Moth­er, try­ing to talk to her friend: What?!
Two-year-old, thrust­ing piz­za at her: Blow me!
Mom’s friend: Well, that’s one for the ba­by book.

Piz­za Hut
Mary­land

My Tech­nique’s Right Out Of The Shaolin Cook­book

Girl on bus: So, I’m like: “Bitch, you can’t ques­tion my big fork us­age!”

99 Bus
Van­cou­ver
Cana­dia

So I’ll Grind Them Up, Snort Them, and Hope for the Best

Girl #1, hold­ing up box of Kel­log­g’s frost­ed flakes and read­ing: Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: There aren’t any di­rec­tions.

Clark Uni­ver­si­ty
Worces­ter, Mass­a­chu­setts

Over­heard by: je­du­sor

Ho­mo­pho­bos, One Of Mars’ Moons, Duh

Girl #1: I’m a car­ri­er for he­mo­phil­ia.
Girl #2: You’re ho­mo­pho­bic? That’s fucked up!
Girl #1: What the fuck are you talk­ing about?

Eu­gene, Ore­gon

Over­heard by: Spencer and Kevin

Nice­ly, Be­fore I Get Out the Acid-Filled Squirt Gun.

Dry lec­tur­er to class: Giv­en the grades you got in the test, you should re­al­ly be lis­ten­ing to what I’m say­ing. (pause) That’s rather bitchy, is­n’t it? It’s my way of say­ing: “shut the what­ev­er up.”

Uni­ver­si­ty of Auck­land
New Zealand

Did I Not Put My Tit in Your Cof­fee This Very Morn­ing?

Old­er man: Let’s go to that biki­ni cof­fee shop!
Younger woman: What? What?
Old­er man: It’s a cof­fee shop where women with self es­teem is­sues wear biki­nis and serve… cof­fee. What’s not to get?
Younger woman: Fuck you.

Seat­tle, Wash­ing­ton

In the Fu­ture, Re­frain from Writ­ing “Fuck All Bitch­es” in Your Es­says

So­ci­ol­o­gy pro­fes­sor: Did you ever lis­ten to some­thing the first time and like it, and then lat­er on you change your mind? Like a song you lis­ten to for the sec­ond time says “fuck all bitch­es” and you de­cide you don’t like it af­ter that?

Long Is­land Uni­ver­si­ty
New York

Over­heard by: Ash­ley M.

That Faux-Posh Ac­cent Nev­er Fooled Me

Old la­dy #1: I’ve nev­er liked her!
Old la­dy #2: She was a shit at school, and she’s a shit now.

West Mid­lands
Eng­land

That, and All the Hors D’Oeu­vres Were Sprin­kled with Lithi­um

Chick #1: But every­one was hap­py. It was a hap­py fu­ner­al.
Chick #2: Wow, your grand­ma must have been a re­al bitch.

High School Class­room
En­gle­wood, Col­orado

Is the Moral of the Ant and Grasshop­per Sto­ry

Lec­tur­er: Peo­ple who are hap­py, hope­ful, and re­laxed… are a pain in the ass.

Auck­land
New Zealand