Three If He Bites You

Man holding nose picking child: Fiver to hug the child! Just a fiver, a fiver to cuddle the child!

Belfast
Northern Ireland

Overheard by: I’ll give you £2!

I Didn’t Expect the Irish to Be Such Pussies

Coworker: Where were you? You were meant to be in work at 7!
Drunk Slovakian guy arriving at work: I drank Jack Daniels until 5 this morning, then went to bed. I woke at nine and fucked Jane, then got my brother to drop me off at work.

Craigavon
Northern Ireland

Ah, the Irish Imagination

Little boy, as plane starts its descent: Oh my god! What are going to do? We are going to get stuck in the clouds! Please! Somebody help us! Help!

Dublin
Ireland

All Those Slip-and-Fall Accidents Are Smitings

Religion teacher to class of girls: And remember girls, always wear a bikini in the shower, because god is always watching you.

Dublin
Ireland

…According to Miss Manners.

Girl #1: Oh, I like your jacket.
Girl #2: Thanks, it’s not mine, Julie loaned it to me. Thank god she did, because she puked on mine.
Girl #1: Is that why she loaned it to you?
Girl #2: No, I didn’t tell her she puked on mine. It’s not really cool to bring up stuff people did when they were having a seizure.

Cork
Ireland

Well, Those Little Heads Are Kind of Creepy

Mother to child: You seem to be on a mission today to decapitate my toes.

Crowded LUAS tram
Dublin
Ireland

And a Fun and Flirty One

Girl, returning from holidays in America: So yeah, I got put in actual jail.
Friend: For drinking on the beach?
Girl: Yup, got the orange jumpsuit and all.
Friend: Did you get to keep it?
Girl: I didn’t like to ask, to be honest. Would’ve been a savage souvenir, though.

UCC Campus
Ireland

But I’m Practicing for My Wedding Night!

Father shouting out of house: Jacinta! Get off that cow! You’ll ruin your communion dress!

Limerick
Ireland

I See Rich People

Mourner at funeral: Tut, one of the undertakers left his jacket on that gravestone.
Son of deceased man: We should check it for money… (whispering) Ghost money!

Graveyard
Cork
Ireland

Today on All My Cookies

Teen to friend: I don’t care how many time you watch Sesame Street, it is not a soap opera.

Wicklow
Ireland