Archive for the ‘Kids’ Category

An­swer Him, Bitch!

Lit­tle boy blow­ing in­to wrap­ping pa­per tube: Is this too loud, Mom­my? [Mom is silent.] Mom­my, is that too loud? [Si­lence, so boy screams] Was that loud enough for you, Mom­my?!

La­gu­na Niguel, Cal­i­for­nia

This Is Why I Di­vorced Your Fa­ther

Moth­er to child: You need to get up off the floor.
Kid: No!
(small dog ap­proach­es, starts lick­ing kid’s face)
(kid laughs as moth­er be­comes even an­gri­er, then dog be­gins hump­ing kid)
Kid: Get him off me, get him off me!
Moth­er, calm­ly: See? This is what hap­pens when you lie on the floor. This is why we can’t lay down on the floor.

Port­land, Maine

We Thought We’d Give Him Some­thing to Make Him Ex­tra Hy­per

Five-year-old boy to barista: I’m get­ting my pee-pee cut off to­mor­row so I get a treat to­day!
Barista: Umm…
Moth­er to child: You are be­ing cir­cum­cised, not mu­ti­lat­ed! (to barista) It’s just a med­ical thing, he does­n’t re­al­ly get it.

Carmel, In­di­ana