Girl to friend: I ooze talent, like a pimple oozes pus.
Corvallis, Oregon
Archive for the ‘Maladies’ Category
…More Gelato?
Overly chatty middle-aged guy on date: Doctors love giving women a hysterectomy. They will find any reason to give a woman a hysterectomy. Like, we’re already up there, might as well scoop it on out now.
Italian Restaurant
Highland, California
Overheard by: well„,there goes my appetite.
Portrait Of the Sound-Effects Guy As a Young Man
Biology teacher: Parvo disease is a disease in mammals that can be fatal; squirrels, cats and dogs can all get it.
Kid, whispering quietly to himself: Ruff! Ruff ruff! Kaboom!
Florida
She Always Comes Up with the Best Gifts for an Old Fart.
Woman: My mom was in the hospital with brain cancer. Then my cousin showed up, and I asked her if she wanted to, you know, go to a craft store and get something for mom. Well, on the walk over, she… (makes farting noises). So you can imagine how upset I was.
YMCA
Beloit, Wisconsin
Just Start Blowing Things and See What Comes Out
Hipster guy: I can’t tell if I’m horny or it’s just my sinus infection again…
UBC
Canadia
Just As Long As I Get the Obligatory Milkbone
Girl: Well, the sad thing is I’m gonna have to treat you like Morgan when she doesn’t want to take her ear infection pills.
Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts
Since Apparently Assholism No Longer Qualifies
Guy to another: I don’t know what to tell you… If she won’t break up with you because you invited her to have a threesome, then tell her that you have some disability… (mumbles) …like, what’s that form of autism called? “Asperger syndrome”?
Bar
Austin, Texas
It’s a Twofer!
Child running up escalator: I’m winning again!
Mom, huffing and puffing on other escalator: Yeah, well, I’m having a stroke, so…
Cleveland Park Metro station
Washington, DC
This Will Be on the Midterm.
American history professor: So this Bacon guy died of the flux. Or as I like to say, he shat himself to death.
University Of Louisiana
Monroe, Louisiana
Overheard by: a bored Am. History student
Until She Found a Market for the Photos on the Internet
Professor: Sorry if you’ve been excited to see how you did on your essays, but I didn’t get a chance to mark them over Christmas break.
Class: [Groans.]Professor: Well, my testicles swelled to the size of grapefruit over the holiday break, so don’t think you’re the only ones disappointed. My wife wasn’t thrilled, either.
York University
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: decidingwhethertolaughornot
