Archive for the ‘Maladies’ Category

She Always Comes Up with the Best Gifts for an Old Fart.

Woman: My mom was in the hospital with brain cancer. Then my cousin showed up, and I asked her if she wanted to, you know, go to a craft store and get something for mom. Well, on the walk over, she… (makes farting noises). So you can imagine how upset I was.

YMCA
Beloit, Wisconsin

Just Start Blowing Things and See What Comes Out

Hipster guy: I can’t tell if I’m horny or it’s just my sinus infection again…

UBC
Canadia

Just As Long As I Get the Obligatory Milkbone

Girl: Well, the sad thing is I’m gonna have to treat you like Morgan when she doesn’t want to take her ear infection pills.

Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts

Since Apparently Assholism No Longer Qualifies

Guy to another: I don’t know what to tell you… If she won’t break up with you because you invited her to have a threesome, then tell her that you have some disability… (mumbles) …like, what’s that form of autism called? “Asperger syndrome”?

Bar
Austin, Texas

It’s a Twofer!

Child running up escalator: I’m winning again!
Mom, huffing and puffing on other escalator: Yeah, well, I’m having a stroke, so…

Cleveland Park Metro station
Washington, DC

This Will Be on the Midterm.

American history professor: So this Bacon guy died of the flux. Or as I like to say, he shat himself to death.

University Of Louisiana
Monroe, Louisiana

Overheard by: a bored Am. History student

Until She Found a Market for the Photos on the Internet

Professor: Sorry if you’ve been excited to see how you did on your essays, but I didn’t get a chance to mark them over Christmas break.
Class: [Groans.]Professor: Well, my testicles swelled to the size of grapefruit over the holiday break, so don’t think you’re the only ones disappointed. My wife wasn’t thrilled, either.

York University
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: decidingwhethertolaughornot

I’ll Consider It — What Else You Got?

Nine-year-old boy: Mom, my stomach hurts.
Mom: Then take off your pants.

http://overheardinphilly.blogspot.com/2007/05/mom-im-nine-and-even-i-know-that-sounds.html

Overheard by: academia

Or Was That the Time I Was Temporarily Decapitated?

40-something suit #1: So you remember when I was dying of melanoma?
40-something suit #2: Is that when you couldn’t go on the golf trip with the boss?
40-something suit #1: Yes, that was it!

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: MilwaukeeBabe

Or an Etch-a-Sketch Masterpiece.

Guy: So how’s it going with Tom?
Girl: Good. He’s stuck with me.
Guy: You’re like a virus.
Girl: No, I’m more like something good you can’t shake. Like a baby.

Derby, Connecticut

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