A High Holy Day for Us Re­tail­ians

Girl #1: Well, to­day was­n’t a to­tal loss, I did find my out­fit for to­mor­row.
Girl #2: True. By the way, what’s to­mor­row?
Girl #1: Uh, Thurs­day. You mean like the date?
Girl #2: No, I mean: what’s the oc­ca­sion for the out­fit?
Girl #1: Oh, right! Thurs­day.

Dulles Town Cen­ter
Loudoun Coun­ty, Vir­ginia

Are the Sto­ries About Martha Stew­art As True As They Say?

An­gry woman on cell: I want the fuck­ing muffins!

Gal­le­ria Mall
Pough­keep­sie, New York

Over­heard by: Russ

Is That Why You Al­ways Look Fat­ter When We Leave Williams Sono­ma?

Home­ly house­wife: And she said, “are you go­ing to blot it?” and I said, “of course, that’s why I col­lect nap­kins.”

Fayette Mall
Lex­ing­ton, Ken­tucky

Over­heard by: ver­ti­calQ

Lat­er, They’d Vom­it Up Quar­ters

Drunk girl #1: I’m Wells Far­go!
Drunk girl #2: Re­al­ly? I’m Wells Far­go, too!
(they glee­ful­ly skip off to­geth­er)

Pearl St Mall
Boul­der, Col­orado

More Of a Sug­ar Grand­pa

Old­er man walk­ing in­to a jew­el­ery store, to an­oth­er: I’m not a sug­ar-dad­dy, am I?

Fash­ion Val­ley Mall
San Diego, Cal­i­for­nia

I Think I’ve Heard This Coun­try Song…

Guy to girl­friend: If I go to jail for you, you bet­ter get your tits done.

View­mont Mall
Dick­son City, Penn­syl­va­nia

My Ex­pla­na­tion of “Air­tight” Was Too Much for Them

Girl at mall: Did I tell you about trau­ma­tiz­ing the Amish fam­i­ly?

Cham­paign, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Frito Ban­di­to

…Once I Ran Out of Poop

Daugh­ter: Mom­my, mom­my, that dress makes you look six­teen years younger!
[Later]Daughter: Mom­my, if you were strand­ed in the desert with­out any wa­ter, what would you do?
Moth­er: [No re­sponse].
Daugh­ter: [to lit­tle sis­ter] I would eat my own blood.

Old Navy
Prom­e­nade Mall, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Claus­tro­pho­bic

Buy Me a Pony and I’ll Throw in the Wind­shield

Lit­tle girl sit­ting in shop­ping cart to moth­er: I love you more than the car! That’s a lot,right, mom­my? (thinks a while) More than the lights, too!

Wal-Mart
Weslaco,Texas

Over­heard by: I love Mom­my too

I’ve Lost 10 Pounds Since I Start­ed Send­ing My­self to Bed With­out Sup­per!

Girl with blue hair, ex­cit­ed­ly on cell: I love it when I in­spire my own ma­ter­nal in­stincts!

Na­tion­al Mall
Wash­ing­ton, DC