Is That Why You Al­ways Look Fat­ter When We Leave Williams Sono­ma?

Home­ly house­wife: And she said, “are you go­ing to blot it?” and I said, “of course, that’s why I col­lect nap­kins.”

Fayette Mall
Lex­ing­ton, Ken­tucky

Over­heard by: ver­ti­calQ

Lat­er, They’d Vom­it Up Quar­ters

Drunk girl #1: I’m Wells Far­go!
Drunk girl #2: Re­al­ly? I’m Wells Far­go, too!
(they glee­ful­ly skip off to­geth­er)

Pearl St Mall
Boul­der, Col­orado

More Of a Sug­ar Grand­pa

Old­er man walk­ing in­to a jew­el­ery store, to an­oth­er: I’m not a sug­ar-dad­dy, am I?

Fash­ion Val­ley Mall
San Diego, Cal­i­for­nia

I Think I’ve Heard This Coun­try Song…

Guy to girl­friend: If I go to jail for you, you bet­ter get your tits done.

View­mont Mall
Dick­son City, Penn­syl­va­nia

My Ex­pla­na­tion of “Air­tight” Was Too Much for Them

Girl at mall: Did I tell you about trau­ma­tiz­ing the Amish fam­i­ly?

Cham­paign, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Frito Ban­di­to

…Once I Ran Out of Poop

Daugh­ter: Mom­my, mom­my, that dress makes you look six­teen years younger!
[Later]Daughter: Mom­my, if you were strand­ed in the desert with­out any wa­ter, what would you do?
Moth­er: [No re­sponse].
Daugh­ter: [to lit­tle sis­ter] I would eat my own blood.

Old Navy
Prom­e­nade Mall, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Claus­tro­pho­bic

Buy Me a Pony and I’ll Throw in the Wind­shield

Lit­tle girl sit­ting in shop­ping cart to moth­er: I love you more than the car! That’s a lot,right, mom­my? (thinks a while) More than the lights, too!

Wal-Mart
Weslaco,Texas

Over­heard by: I love Mom­my too

I’ve Lost 10 Pounds Since I Start­ed Send­ing My­self to Bed With­out Sup­per!

Girl with blue hair, ex­cit­ed­ly on cell: I love it when I in­spire my own ma­ter­nal in­stincts!

Na­tion­al Mall
Wash­ing­ton, DC

Now at Least De­scribe the Butts to Me, Winifred.

Old woman in wheel­chair be­ing dri­ven around busy food court: I hate this place! All I can see are peo­ple’s butts.
Old man be­hind her: So why are you hav­ing me cart you around the city in a wheel­chair for?!

Mall
Syd­ney
Aus­tralia

Over­heard by: I saw her lat­er stand up…

For a Sec­ond I Thought You Were Talk­ing About Our Key-Par­ties

Five-year-old girl: Hey, mom, you know how you hate “pop and switch?“
Mom: Uh…what’s “pop and switch?“
Five-year-old girl: The one where they trade bod­ies.
Mom: Oh! Oh, yeah, I hate “pop and switch.” That’s scary…

JCPen­ney, Flo­rence Mall
Flo­rence, Ken­tucky

Over­heard by: Do­hiyi