Professor: The guillotine was humane. It was just humane many thousands of times.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: Secret Spy
Archive for the ‘Murder’ Category
All You Need Is a Duffel Bag
Woman to coworker: You’d think if they were going to decapitate someone they wouldn’t hide the evidence in their rear window.
West Lebanon, New Hampshire
Now That Metal Rods Are the Latest Fashion Craze
Teacher: Okay, now what you do think is the chance of being killed by being struck by lightning?
Bimbette: Ummmm… probably like, one in two.
Class: (silence)
Teacher: One in two?
Bimbette: Wait! Make that one in ten.
Classroom
Sydney
Australia
This Season’s Most Unlikely Love Story
Girl, looking at video games: If I had a sword that pimp, I would just kill people all day and run around.
Boy following her: Girl, if you had a sword that pimp I would stop being gay and make you stop to make love to me.
Girl, looking appalled: I’d be busy killing people, though.
Boy, matter-of-factly: Well… I’d make you stop every thirteen kills.
Random Walmart
Boise, Idaho
Overheard by: Bunnee
How Would You Characterize Kelly Ripa?
Teen #1: I hate her. She is such a milk!
Teen #2: What? Don’t you mean “milf”?
Teen #1: No, man. She is a mother I would like to kill.
Teen #2: Oh. I think she is a milky milf!
Teen #1: There is something wrong with you.
Columbia, South Carolina
Edgar Allen Poe Was a Difficult Kid to Raise
Mother: Honey, do you remember mommy’s friend Denise?
Four-year-old son: Uh-huh.
Mother: Well, mommy has to leave right now, because Denise’s father passed away, and I have to go and tell Denise that I’m sorry.
Four-year-old son: Oh. Did you kill him?
Port Jefferson, New York
Overheard by: arctinus
Or Is That Necrophilia?
Social problems teacher: So what are some social problems that affect us today?
Female student: Murder?
Teacher: Yeah, that’s good. [writes it on the white board.] Any others?
Male student: Narcissism?
Teacher: I don’t quite understand…
Male student: Well if people are falling asleep all the time and they don’t know it…
Grand Rapids Community College
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Or Use Birth Control
Woman to friend: So I killed three of them already. I guess that means I should lose some weight.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: corey
Liberals Can’t Believe That Some Plagues Cure Themselves
Liberal #1: Cut off her head!
Liberal #2: No! Then she wouldn’t feel any of the pain!
Liberal #1: Yeah, you’re right… I suppose you could cut her head off half-way…
Passerby: Um, I don’t mean to interrupt, but, um, what are you talking about?
Liberal #1: How to kill Ann Coulter.
Liberal #2: Is that bad?
Passerby: Oh, no, continue! By all means, please!
After concert at Hollywood Bowl
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Argonath
Why “Family Vacation” Will Always Be an Oxymoron
Toddler to older sister: The pencil! Pencil! Look! (screaming) Looooook!
Teenage sister: That’s the Washington Monument.
Toddler: Noooooo! It’ll kill us! (sobbing uncontrollably) Kiiiillll! (continues sobbing)
National Mall
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Meaggoo
