That Faux-Posh Ac­cent Nev­er Fooled Me

Old la­dy #1: I’ve nev­er liked her!
Old la­dy #2: She was a shit at school, and she’s a shit now.

West Mid­lands
Eng­land

What With Mrs. But­ter­worth Moral­ly Judg­ing Me

El­der­ly woman: You know… It’s so hard to eat pan­cakes in the nude!

Win­ches­ter, Vir­ginia

Over­heard by: SB

What a Great Piece of Ash

(at the wood­carv­ing tent)
Pre­ten­tious old la­dy to oth­ers: Mike does amaz­ing things with his wood. (pause) I just *love* his wood.

Art & Wine Fes­ti­val
Cave Creeek, Ari­zona

Over­heard by: J‑Kap

Said She’s Too Old to Start Wear­ing Pleather Again

Old la­dy to an­oth­er: Mary start­ed cry­ing be­cause she thought they were tak­ing her back to New Jer­sey.

Piz­za Shop
Li­ma, Penn­syl­va­nia

Nev­er Take That Op­tion Off the Ta­ble

Old man push­ing shop­ping cart, singing hap­pi­ly to him­self: Maybe I should get an 8‑mil­lion-dol­lar law­suit against my own fam­i­ly!

Seat­tle, Wash­ing­ton

Ap­par­ent­ly Medicare and So­cial Se­cu­ri­ty Don’t Count

Guy be­hind deli counter: Does any­one need any help?
Old man #1: What about psy­chi­atric help?
Old man #2: Are you giv­ing or re­ceiv­ing?
Old man #1: I’m on the re­ceiv­ing end of every­thing. Ex­cept tax­es!

Gene’s Fine Foods
Sarato­ga, Cal­i­for­nia

More Of a Sug­ar Grand­pa

Old­er man walk­ing in­to a jew­el­ery store, to an­oth­er: I’m not a sug­ar-dad­dy, am I?

Fash­ion Val­ley Mall
San Diego, Cal­i­for­nia

An In­flat­able Friend

Old guy to friend: He got a new girl who works in the sex in­dus­try… and you know his fan­ta­sy has al­ways been two women. I told him it’d nev­er hap­pen, but ap­par­ent­ly it did. His girl has a friend who was will­ing to play along…

Hol­land, Michi­gan

Lone­ly Old Peo­ple Will An­swer to Any­thing

Boy, to teenage girl: Hi, Lisa.
Old man, en­ter­ing: Hi.

Cafe
Eu­gene, Ore­gon

There’s Nev­er a Truce in the Trench War­fare Be­tween the Sex­es

Old­er la­dy to com­plete strangers: So the last guy I dat­ed, all he want­ed was sex! We were on the beach and we passed a trench, and he was like “I’ll put you in that hole!”

Es­con­di­do, Cal­i­for­nia