Professor: Even my own mother tells people I’m a drug dealer.
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Archive for the ‘Overheard at UMBC’ Category
If Your Eyes Are Closed, I Assume You’re Imagining Another Professor
Professor: I try to say the word “sex” at least two or three times a class to wake people up.
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…You’re My Mom and I’ll Always Love You.
Guy talking too loudly on cell phone: Honestly, if you took a dump and smeared it all over my chest, you know, in my face and all that, I?d be fine. Actually I might not, thats pretty extreme, but you know…
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Guess Which One His Wife Just Tells Him Is a Law
Professor: People break laws all the time, like stop signs and oral sex.
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Spoken Like Somebody Who’s Never Seen SVU
Student: There’s no child out there that’s like, “you know what I want today, I want to have sex with a forty-year-old man, that’s what I’m really craving today.”
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Gonna Show Your Work?
Professor: So, what is the meatiest calculator out there?
Student: TI-89!
Professor: So, what can the TI-89 do?
Student: Calculus!
Professor: Holy shit! Integral calculus! I didn’t know they could do that these days. Well, I’m gonna clutch my genitals and go hide in the corner!
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But We’ll Learn Better Ways to Do That in This Class
Professor: At concerts, you move your head in an up-and-down motion in certain parts, also known as “headbanging.” You may also be Satanic. You may or may not, or you might just to piss off your parents.
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Scissors, Ipods, Horses, Pauses…
Dude #1: Hey man, wanna go get some things pregnant?
Dude #2: Um. What? What kind of things?
Dude #1: Just stuff. Whatever we find.
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You’ll Note Your TAs Have Already Done So
Professor: We’ll talk later in the semester about how suicide will be a better choice. Now, I don’t want anyone committing suicide before the first exam, but it would be less for me to grade, so go ahead.
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Which Only Comes Into Play After Three or More Margaritas
Bartender: The answer was “The North Sea.” We did not accept “Nordic” or “Norse.“
Guy: But my hand has a lisp!
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