Archive for the ‘Overheard in the Valley’ Category

Daniel Rad­cliffe: It Was Lip­stick, Ac­tu­al­ly

La­dy suit: I hate to say it, but Har­ry Pot­ter’s pe­nis is small.
Hip­ster girl: What! Nooo!
La­dy suit: No, re­al­ly — it is. He got an erec­tion on stage… and it was just sad. But the weird­est part is that it was bright red, like they had put blush on it or some­thing.
Hip­ster girl: What the fuck?! My dreams are ru­ined!

Like Olestra Chips

Chick #1: Try it. It’s a Mal­ibu Bay Breeze. It’s a chick drink, but it’s re­al­ly good.
Dude, sip­ping: Damn, that’s de­li­cious.
Chick #2: It’s a bitch drink.
Dude: A bitch drink?
Chick #2: It’ll make you grow vagi­nas on your arm.
Dude: That would­n’t be that bad. I’d nev­er leave my house.
Chick #2: No, not func­tion­al vagi­nas. Just ug­ly ones that peo­ple would be freaked out by.
Dude: You know, you just took some­thing won­der­ful and made it hor­ri­ble.

The Food Chain’s There — We Just Have to Use It

Girl: I hate geese.
Guy: Be­cause they’re Cana­di­an?
Girl: No, the fat white ones. I hate them be­cause they’re fat. And greedy.
Guy: Yeah, what’s up with that? They al­ways run right up to you if you have bread.
Girl: And they to­tal­ly ha­rass the ducks, man!
Guy: Yeah, what the fuck?! Stu­pid geese. Fuck that shit, man. Fuck that shit.
Girl: Yeah!

And You Just Know That’s His Porn Name

Chick: So, what are your ir­ra­tional fears?
Dude: Well, I’m afraid of that song. You know, the John Ja­cob Jin­gle­heimer Schmidt one. I mean, ‘that’s my name, too’? What does that mean?! I mean, think about it’s larg­er so­ci­o­log­i­cal im­pli­ca­tions. That just freaks me out.‑mean-people-always-shout.html

Just Like Moth­er There­sa

Woman #1, to ta­ble of friends: Well, I’m get­ting old, too. I’m get­ting wrin­kles.
Woman #2: The thing is, you’re so fuck­ing ug­ly that no one no­tices when you get old.

Over­heard by: Me.

We Were Go­ing to Let That Slide

Chick: Af­ter he slept with me, I told him that his dick had been where cam­eras, car­rots, and neck­laces have gone be­fore.
Friend: Why were you stick­ing neck­laces in your vagi­na? … Note how I’m okay with the fact that you stuck car­rots and cam­eras up there…