The Queen Ami­dala Head­dress Is Re­al­ly Heavy

Cos­tumed dad to lit­tle girl: You need to lis­ten. Un­der­stand? You will not take your clothes off!

Star Wars 30th An­niver­sary Cel­e­bra­tion
Los An­ge­les, Cal­i­for­nia

That Is So Cliche.

Work­ing-class hip­pie: Oh, I have an­oth­er porn sto­ry!
For­eign hip­pie: The one about your mom?
Work­ing-class hip­pie: No, no, this one’s about Matt*–my sur­ro­gate fa­ther.

Amherst, Mass­a­chu­setts

Is He Talk­ing About Vagi­na? Dis­cuss.

Lit­tle boy to moth­er: Mom­my, it smells like eat­ing wieners… right?

Wal­greens Park­ing Lot
Port Chester, New York

Over­heard by: Ldawg

At the Her­maph­ro­dit­ic Con­tor­tion­ist Chil­dren’s Sup­port Group

Five-year-old girl, point­ing at store win­dow: Balls!
Young mom: That’s right hon­ey, those are balls, but you ate your balls, huh?
Five-year-old girl: I ate my balls!

Buf­fa­lo, New York

Stop It, La­dy, You’re Mak­ing the Sci­en­tol­o­gists Look Right

Mom to five-year-old son who is stand­ing qui­et­ly: Set­tle down be­fore I have to give you an­oth­er pill!

Line for a theme park ride
Flori­da

Over­heard by: Kim

I’m Be­gin­ning to Re­gret Let­ting You Steal Me from That Play­ground

Four-year old: But I want to go in there!
Fraz­zled moth­er: No! Let’s go, we have to get home.
Four-year old (cry­ing): You aren’t the right moth­er for me!

Berlin
Ger­many

…With a Bas­tard Vam­pire Ba­by

Mom to daugh­ter in Team Ed­ward t‑shirt: If you were tak­ing your pill in the first place, you would­n’t be preg­nant right now.

New Hamp­shire

Over­heard by: let me kick her in the stom­ach

And That’s How You Were Con­ceived

WASP mom to her two pre-teen kids: Your fa­ther got fucked in the ass.

Mi­caw­ber Books
Prince­ton, New Jer­sey

Over­heard by: of­fice pe­on

So You and the Doc­tors Keep Say­ing…

Small child en­ter­ing re­stroom: Mom, why can’t we go to the boys’ room? Be­cause I’ve got a girl with me?
Mom: You are a girl!

Sushi Restau­rant
Kansas City, Kansas

Over­heard by: zom­bie z

That’s Why I Mar­ried Her, Sweet­ie

Dad, lead­ing three-year-old girl to bath­room: You need to go pot­ty? You can sit on the pot­ty in here.
Three-year-old girl: No, that pot­ty’s not for me. That’s for mom­my. She has a big butt.

Alame­da, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: lith