Archive for the ‘Pilots’ Category

We’ll Be De­part­ing Just As Soon As These Pills Wear Off

Pi­lot over loud­speak­er (riff­ing on har­mon­i­ca): This is your cap­tain speak­ing, (har­mon­i­ca riff) Wel­come aboard, (har­mon­i­ca riff) Please fas­ten your seat belts. (har­mon­i­ca riff) Or we won’t be able to leave beau­ti­ful At­lanta, Geor­gia.
(does long, jazzy har­mon­i­ca riff. Pas­sen­gers ap­plaud)
Pi­lot (in Elvis voice): Thank you very much.

Amer­i­can Air­lines Flight
At­lanta, Geor­gia

Al­so, He’s a Cock­er Spaniel.

Pi­lot, on PA sys­tem, af­ter a slight­ly bumpy land­ing: Ladies and gen­tle­men, that land­ing was not me or the plane. That was our co-pilot–he’s re­quired to com­plete one land­ing a month. And he blew it. Wel­come to Chica­go.

Air­port
Chica­go, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Non­plussed Pas­sen­ger

In Fact, He’s De­li­cious

Cap­tain on in­ter­com: Ladies and gen­tle­men, just want­ed to let you know the rea­son this flight was de­layed. The plane col­lid­ed with a bird up­on land­ing. It’s no big deal; it just hit a body part. The bird is okay.

Air­port
Pitts­burgh, Penn­syl­va­nia

Over­heard by: La­dle (who is skep­ti­cal about the well-be­ing of the bird)

News­Flash: Eng­lish­man Has Sense Of Hu­mor. Film at 11.

Pi­lot, af­ter rid­ing tar­mac for 20 min­utes: Ladies and gen­tle­man, this con­cludes our first two miles of our trip from Lon­don-Heahtrow In­ter­na­tion­al to Newark In­ter­na­tion­al. We do hope you en­joyed our love­ly tar­mac. The flight will com­mence once air traf­fic gives the all-clear for take­off.

Heathrow In­ter­na­tion­al Air­port
Lon­don
Eng­land

Over­heard by: tired trav­el­er