Com­mit a Heinous Crime and Come Talk to Me

Loud grad stu­dent in restau­rant: I don’t know why any­one would want to be a rel­a­tivist when they could be an ex­pres­sivist!

Over­heard by: Mon­key

Was It a Big Bang?

Guy, cry­ing: Ah­hh! I just had sex with Stephen Hawk­ing right up here, in my head!

Star­bucks
Biloxi, Mis­sis­sip­pi

…More Gela­to?

Over­ly chat­ty mid­dle-aged guy on date: Doc­tors love giv­ing women a hys­terec­to­my. They will find any rea­son to give a woman a hys­terec­to­my. Like, we’re al­ready up there, might as well scoop it on out now.

Ital­ian Restau­rant
High­land, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: well„,there goes my ap­petite.

Build Him a Sukkah?

Loud­mouthed break­fast pa­tron: I’m not try­ing to be rude or any­thing, but what if you keep kosher and some­one, like, brings a pig to your house? Like, what do you do with their pet pig?

Toast Two
Chica­go, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Paul

And But­ton Up Your Pants, Sweet­ie

Lit­tle girl: I love you, pole.
[She kiss­es the pole.]
Fa­ther: Don’t kiss the pole! Keep it rat­ed G!

Out­side a Dim Sum Shop
Alame­da, Cal­i­for­nia

We’re on to You, Kathy Grif­fin

Ex­ceed­ing­ly pale col­lege guy: You can’t trust red­heads. They don’t blink their eyes at the same time.
Ex­ceed­ing­ly pale high school guy: (nods in un­der­stand­ing)

Ar­by’s
Tempe, Ari­zona

Love­mak­ing Is Co­op­er­a­tive; Fuck­ing Is Com­pet­i­tive

Dude: She fucks like a di­vi­sion one ath­lete. I swear, I take three shots of whiskey be­fore I go to her place. I need to have the spins so I have any chance of last­ing.

Ten Stone
Philadel­phia, Penn­syl­va­nia

Over­heard by: john­ny

Said She’s Too Old to Start Wear­ing Pleather Again

Old la­dy to an­oth­er: Mary start­ed cry­ing be­cause she thought they were tak­ing her back to New Jer­sey.

Piz­za Shop
Li­ma, Penn­syl­va­nia

We Thought We’d Give Him Some­thing to Make Him Ex­tra Hy­per

Five-year-old boy to barista: I’m get­ting my pee-pee cut off to­mor­row so I get a treat to­day!
Barista: Umm…
Moth­er to child: You are be­ing cir­cum­cised, not mu­ti­lat­ed! (to barista) It’s just a med­ical thing, he does­n’t re­al­ly get it.

Star­bucks
Carmel, In­di­ana

And She Makes an Ex­cel­lent Pa­per­weight

20-some­thing blonde: It’s just…she can’t talk, all she does is scream and cry. She’s not even a re­al per­son yet. I just don’t un­der­stand how you can love her so much!
Red­head, lov­ing­ly cradling ba­by: Shit, hon, you have to stop say­ing things like that. She’s your daugh­ter!

Café Nero
Lon­don
Eng­land

Over­heard by: Nit