And But­ton Up Your Pants, Sweet­ie

Lit­tle girl: I love you, pole.
[She kiss­es the pole.]
Fa­ther: Don’t kiss the pole! Keep it rat­ed G!

Out­side a Dim Sum Shop
Alame­da, Cal­i­for­nia

We’re on to You, Kathy Grif­fin

Ex­ceed­ing­ly pale col­lege guy: You can’t trust red­heads. They don’t blink their eyes at the same time.
Ex­ceed­ing­ly pale high school guy: (nods in un­der­stand­ing)

Ar­by’s
Tempe, Ari­zona

Love­mak­ing Is Co­op­er­a­tive; Fuck­ing Is Com­pet­i­tive

Dude: She fucks like a di­vi­sion one ath­lete. I swear, I take three shots of whiskey be­fore I go to her place. I need to have the spins so I have any chance of last­ing.

Ten Stone
Philadel­phia, Penn­syl­va­nia

Over­heard by: john­ny

Said She’s Too Old to Start Wear­ing Pleather Again

Old la­dy to an­oth­er: Mary start­ed cry­ing be­cause she thought they were tak­ing her back to New Jer­sey.

Piz­za Shop
Li­ma, Penn­syl­va­nia

We Thought We’d Give Him Some­thing to Make Him Ex­tra Hy­per

Five-year-old boy to barista: I’m get­ting my pee-pee cut off to­mor­row so I get a treat to­day!
Barista: Umm…
Moth­er to child: You are be­ing cir­cum­cised, not mu­ti­lat­ed! (to barista) It’s just a med­ical thing, he does­n’t re­al­ly get it.

Star­bucks
Carmel, In­di­ana

And She Makes an Ex­cel­lent Pa­per­weight

20-some­thing blonde: It’s just…she can’t talk, all she does is scream and cry. She’s not even a re­al per­son yet. I just don’t un­der­stand how you can love her so much!
Red­head, lov­ing­ly cradling ba­by: Shit, hon, you have to stop say­ing things like that. She’s your daugh­ter!

Café Nero
Lon­don
Eng­land

Over­heard by: Nit

Since Bare­naked Ladies Was Al­ready Tak­en

Twen­ty-some­thing dude: When I grow up, and learn how to play an in­stru­ment, I’m call­ing my band he-gi­na and she-nis.

McKen­na’s
Bal­ti­more, Mary­land

Well, I Got a Lap Dance in the Buf­fet Line

Girl one: Smell my face. Smell right here. Does­n’t it smell great? The strip­per I got a lap dance from was wear­ing great per­fume.
Girl two: It smells like pick­les.

To­by Kei­th’s Restau­rant
Las Ve­gas, Neva­da

Over­heard by: At least it does­n’t smell like tu­na

Wolf Tit­ties Are Hot This Year

Guy: It’s not like he has one ex­tra nip­ple… He has two.
Girl: He’s like a rat!

Star­bucks
Hol­ly­wood, Cal­i­for­nia

Drug­ging Miss Daisy

Old white la­dy, leav­ing ta­ble with a flour­ish: Now, if you’ll ex­cuse me, I’m go­ing to the bath­room to shoot up.

Lemon­grass
Bal­ti­more, Mary­land

Over­heard by: Loves Her Some Thai Food