…Even Though It’s Shaped Like St. Peter?

Girlfriend, excited: I know exactly what I’m going to get you for your birthday this year.
Boyfriend: Oh yeah? I know exactly what I am going to get you for your birthday.
Girlfriend: Really? Are you going to get that thing cut off your back?

Cafe
Sydney
Australia

But Not a Real Green Dress –That’s Cruel

Girl on phone: I’ll go on MySpace and look until I die for a picture of you in a ugly green dress!

Orlando Ale House
Orlando, Florida

I Figure Since He Died for Me, I May As Well Give Him Something Nice to Look At

Man: I’m giving up bread for lent.
Woman: Is that because Jesus Christ died for your sins, or because you’re concerned with your figure?

Starbucks
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Maggie

When You Abducted That Thong It Was Like You Ripped Out My Very Soul

20-something crying girl: You. Don’t. Get. It. I bleed Victoria’s Secret.

Duff’s Wings
Buffalo, New York

Something Approximately the Size Of a Baby Carrot

Old lady: I’m not very hungry, I’m gonna have something small.
Old man: If you wanted something small, we would have stayed at home and I would have given you something small.

Lester’s Diner
Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Further Evidence That Frat Boys Are Born, Not Made

Two-year-old: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy…
Mother, trying to talk to her friend: What?!
Two-year-old, thrusting pizza at her: Blow me!
Mom’s friend: Well, that’s one for the baby book.

Pizza Hut
Maryland

Commit a Heinous Crime and Come Talk to Me

Loud grad student in restaurant: I don’t know why anyone would want to be a relativist when they could be an expressivist!

Overheard by: Monkey

Was It a Big Bang?

Guy, crying: Ahhh! I just had sex with Stephen Hawking right up here, in my head!

Starbucks
Biloxi, Mississippi

…More Gelato?

Overly chatty middle-aged guy on date: Doctors love giving women a hysterectomy. They will find any reason to give a woman a hysterectomy. Like, we’re already up there, might as well scoop it on out now.

Italian Restaurant
Highland, California

Overheard by: well„,there goes my appetite.

Build Him a Sukkah?

Loudmouthed breakfast patron: I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but what if you keep kosher and someone, like, brings a pig to your house? Like, what do you do with their pet pig?

Toast Two
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Paul