Archive for the ‘Santa Claus’ Category

Last Time I Tried That, the Oth­er Girl and I Both End­ed Up with Con­cus­sions

(wom­en’s re­stroom, a man in a San­ta suit en­ters)
Drunk woman: Hey, you’re not a boy!
Re­stroom at­ten­dant: You mean he’s not a girl.
Drunk woman: Yeah, you’re not a girl!
Drunk San­ta: Ho ho ho, ladies! I just want­ed to see what you want­ed for Christ­mas!
Drunk woman: Huh?
Re­stroom at­ten­dant: I want mon­ey, ha­ha!
Drunk San­ta: Then cross your labia, ladies, and mer­ry Christ­mas!
(he leaves)
Drunk woman: Wait, what?

Chica­go, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Eliz­a­beth

Ha­ha, Suck­er

Mom: You bet­ter put that jack­et on.
Lit­tle boy: No!
Mom: You bet­ter put that jack­et on or you are go­ing to get sick and then when San­ta comes you will get him sick and then there will be no Christ­mas be­cause you got him too sick to work and all the lit­tle boys and girls in the world will hate you. [Lit­tle boy puts jack­et on.]

Utah

Over­heard by: Bryn

…Un­less You’re Mrs. Claus.

Teenag­er #1: There’s no way for San­ta to vis­it all the hous­es on earth; that’s im­pos­si­ble.
Teenag­er #2: He does­n’t have to vis­it every house, though. Not every­body cel­e­brates Christ­mas.
Teenag­er #1: So? That would be like god say­ing “Mus­lims can go fuck them­selves, I on­ly watch out for Chris­tians.“
Teenag­er #3: Some peo­ple ac­tu­al­ly do be­lieve that.
Teenag­er #2: Yeah, I mean, if they don’t cel­e­brate Christ­mas, then…
Teenag­er #1: You know, at the speed San­ta would need to trav­el to de­liv­er gifts to all those peo­ple, his sleigh would lit­er­al­ly catch on fire.
Teenag­er #2: Dude, see, it works like this…
Teenag­er #1: No, here’s how it works: there’s no fuck­ing San­ta.

Chi­no, Cal­i­for­nia