Archive for the ‘Santa Claus’ Category

Last Time I Tried That, the Other Girl and I Both Ended Up with Concussions

(women’s restroom, a man in a Santa suit enters)
Drunk woman: Hey, you’re not a boy!
Restroom attendant: You mean he’s not a girl.
Drunk woman: Yeah, you’re not a girl!
Drunk Santa: Ho ho ho, ladies! I just wanted to see what you wanted for Christmas!
Drunk woman: Huh?
Restroom attendant: I want money, haha!
Drunk Santa: Then cross your labia, ladies, and merry Christmas!
(he leaves)
Drunk woman: Wait, what?

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Haha, Sucker

Mom: You better put that jacket on.
Little boy: No!
Mom: You better put that jacket on or you are going to get sick and then when Santa comes you will get him sick and then there will be no Christmas because you got him too sick to work and all the little boys and girls in the world will hate you. [Little boy puts jacket on.] 

Utah

Overheard by: Bryn

…Unless You’re Mrs. Claus.

Teenager #1: There’s no way for Santa to visit all the houses on earth; that’s impossible.
Teenager #2: He doesn’t have to visit every house, though. Not everybody celebrates Christmas.
Teenager #1: So? That would be like god saying “Muslims can go fuck themselves, I only watch out for Christians.“
Teenager #3: Some people actually do believe that.
Teenager #2: Yeah, I mean, if they don’t celebrate Christmas, then…
Teenager #1: You know, at the speed Santa would need to travel to deliver gifts to all those people, his sleigh would literally catch on fire.
Teenager #2: Dude, see, it works like this…
Teenager #1: No, here’s how it works: there’s no fucking Santa.

Chino, California