I’m Too Tired to Hold My Sphinc­ters Shut

Girl: We need to go steal more di­a­pers from Tar­get.

Texas Chris­t­ian Uni­ver­si­ty
Fort Worth, Texas

Nev­er Take That Op­tion Off the Ta­ble

Old man push­ing shop­ping cart, singing hap­pi­ly to him­self: Maybe I should get an 8‑mil­lion-dol­lar law­suit against my own fam­i­ly!

Seat­tle, Wash­ing­ton

For Peo­ple’s Pet Rocks.

Passer­by to friend (ex­cit­ed­ly): We should so sell bot­tled dirt!

KSU
Man­hat­tan, Kansas

Over­heard by: Nicole

We Have No Words for This Quote.

Woman: Do you have the book How to Fix Your Mar­riage with­out Words?
Salesla­dy: Sor­ry, it looks like we don’t have that in stock right now.
Woman: Fuck!

Seat­tle, Wash­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Tay­lor

…The Fifth Be­ing My Black­ber­ry.

Stu­dent sell­ing pink rib­bon bracelets: Pro­fes­sor, would you like to buy some bracelets? They’re for a good cause.
Pro­fes­sor: Sure, I’ll take five. One for each ap­pendage.

Philadel­phia, Penn­syl­va­nia

Was­n’t This an Ala­nis Moris­sette Song?

Man walk­ing down the street: I or­dered a dress on­line and got a rain­coat.

Philadel­phia, Penn­syl­va­nia

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Sur­prise!

Shop­per, ex­am­in­ing fish: So, have you had any per­verts com­ing in here yet?
Shop as­sis­tant: No… Not yet.

Ed­in­burgh
Scot­land

Over­heard by: Lena

At the Her­maph­ro­dit­ic Con­tor­tion­ist Chil­dren’s Sup­port Group

Five-year-old girl, point­ing at store win­dow: Balls!
Young mom: That’s right hon­ey, those are balls, but you ate your balls, huh?
Five-year-old girl: I ate my balls!

Buf­fa­lo, New York

You Try Get­ting Vagi­nal Juice and Choco­late Sauce Out of Shag

Les­bian: You might think I’m weird, but what if we put in rub­ber floors?
Girl­friend: Um, no. [Les­bian #1 stalks off to­ward dry­wall ma­te­ri­als, mut­ter­ing un­der her breath.]

Home De­pot
Ply­mouth Meet­ing, Penn­syl­va­nia

Just As a Con­ver­sa­tion Piece, Y’­know?

Hip­ster: You’re buy­ing an Ethiopi­an? I did that once.

Bal­ti­more, Mary­land

Over­heard by: Tick­le Feet