Archive for the ‘Should have used a condom’ Category

From the Run­away Best-Sell­er Is My Child Goth?

Moth­er to two laugh­ing chil­dren run­ning down side­walk: Get back here! Hold her hand! Get back here right this in­stant! [Catch­es them and grabs their hands, pulling them back to­wards their house, point­ing at a near­by car.] That car is sit­ting there. What if that man would have backed out and hit you?! What if he could­n’t have seen you? What then?
Four-year old boy: Then hooray! Hooray!

Los An­ge­les, Cal­i­for­nia

This Is Why I Di­vorced Your Fa­ther

Moth­er to child: You need to get up off the floor.
Kid: No!
(small dog ap­proach­es, starts lick­ing kid’s face)
(kid laughs as moth­er be­comes even an­gri­er, then dog be­gins hump­ing kid)
Kid: Get him off me, get him off me!
Moth­er, calm­ly: See? This is what hap­pens when you lie on the floor. This is why we can’t lay down on the floor.

Port­land, Maine

“Don’t Jump Off That Build­ing.” “Stop Touch­ing That Burn­er.” Nag, Nag, Nag!

Woman to five-year-old daugh­ter in el­e­va­tor: You’re get­ting off at the wrong floor, sweet­ie. This is the wrong floor… The wrong floor… The wrong floor! God, do you ever lis­ten to me?
Five-year-old daugh­ter: I’m try­ing not to.

Mack­inac Is­land, Michi­gan

Over­heard by: laugh­ing