Archive for the ‘STDs’ Category

…Be­fore You Bleed Them Dry

Clue­less girl: My com­put­er has a virus.
Com­put­er geek: You need an ex­ter­nal hard dri­ve to trans­fer the files you want to keep.
Clue­less girl: Can’t I just trans­fer it to an­oth­er com­put­er?
Com­put­er geek: No, the virus will spread.
Clue­less girl: (blank stare)
Com­put­er geek: Its like fuck­ing some­one with AIDS.

Los An­ge­les, Cal­i­for­nia

2008: Mi­crosoft Pi­lots MS Of­fice As­sis­tant, “Buzzy the Dil­do”

Guy: You know when you do a “Find File” in Win­dows? Yeah. I want to kill the lit­tle an­i­mat­ed dog… It both­ers me.
Girl: Ha­ha­ha… Yeah. It’s bet­ter than the pa­per­clip.
Guy: Meh… On­ly be­cause he does­n’t pop up un­ex­pect­ed­ly. Clip­py was kind of cool if he weren’t in the way.
Girl: Thats what he wants you to think! He makes you feel bad for hat­ing him!
Guy: Why this makes me want to have an an­i­mat­ed kit­ten run­ning around my desk­top, I don’t know. I used to have such a pro­gram.
Girl: I had a strip­per on my lap­top. She danced and stripped when­ev­er mu­sic came on.
Guy: You’re such a clos­et nympho.
Girl: Yeah. For my dreams class, we have to write all our dreams down and share them with the class. Last night I dreamt I was trekking through a jun­gle in gold pra­da heels to find my doc­tor to get an HIV test. I’m not sure I want the class psy­cho­an­a­lyz­ing that one.

Port­land, Maine

Ker­mit: It’s Not Easy Ooz­ing Green

Bar­tender #1: Yeah, so I had this weird shit comin’ out­ta my dick. It was sick, dude. Like this funky green pus-like shit ooz­ing from the tip. Smelled like shit, too.
Bar­tender #2: Dude, you need to quit bon­ing so many filthy whores. You’re like rot­ting from the in­side.
Bar­tender #1: Shit, man, I don’t give a fuck. As long as I keep get­tin’ laid.
Bar­tender #2: You ain’t gonna be doin’ shit if your fuckin’ nasty dick falls off.
Bar­tender #1: I know, right? This last chick I nailed was a to­tal slut. I pulled down my pants and she could smell what­ev­er’s up with my cock. She goes “Ew, what stinks? Is that your dick?” And I go, “No, it’s my feet, I swear!” Then I just pulled her to­wards me and shoved it in. It was awe­some.
Bar­tender #2: Fuck, man. Some­thing’s def­i­nite­ly wrong with you.

Gaithers­burg, Mary­land

Over­heard by: Nasty Nate

Now Can We Teach Kids about STDs in High School?

Tall brunette: … And so I said I did­n’t want her­pes, but he was like, ‘Oh, they’re no big deal.‘
Short blonde: Well, did you sleep with him?
Tall brunette: Of course I did. Like he said, her­pes are no big deal. Just a lit­tle itch­ing and stuff… Be­sides, it’s not like I can ever get them again. It’s like chick­en pox — once you get it, you don’t get it again.
Math ma­jor near­by, yelling: Do you mind tak­ing your dumb, STD-hav­ing ass some­where I’m not try­ing to eat?! [Oth­er stu­dents cheer.]

Bent­ley Din­ing Hall, Lock Haven Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Alexan­der Lep­ro