That’s for Him to De­cide

New dad: Look! These clothes are cute. Oh, look at this dress!
New mum: You have a boy, not a girl!

De­part­ment Store
Mel­bourne
Aus­tralia

It Was “Flo­ral­Nosegay”

Guy on com­put­er: Fuck, I al­ways for­get my stu­dent e‑mail pass­word.
Girl: Why?
Guy: I’ve al­ways used the same pass­word for every­thing for years but when I tried it on black­board it was all “oh, you can’t have ‘gay’ in your pass­word.”

Li­brary
Tal­la­has­see, Flori­da

Over­heard by: Who us­es

How Mrs. Bis­bee Made the ‘Naughty’ List

Mom: I don’t know what I should get for him. He likes video games and that kind of stuff. I got him a Game­Cube last year and he loves it.
Five-year-old child (looks away from game dis­play, shocked): But you told me San­ta got me the Game­Cube!

Best Buy
Seat­tle, Wash­ing­ton

Be­hind the Wheel, Sure

Girl (read­ing in­spi­ra­tional quote): “The best and most beau­ti­ful things in the world can­not be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.” (pause) He­len Keller. (to friend) Was­n’t she, like, a killer?

In­di­go Book­store
Toron­to
Cana­dia

Over­heard by: Sunis­sa

Be­ing a Con­tes­tant on The Price Is Right? Re­al­ly?

Mor­bid­ly obese man: It’s like when you go dump­ster-div­ing and find a whole bed­room set.

Wal-Mart
Gainesville, Flori­da

Over­heard by: An­drea

Plas­tic Shoes with Holes in the Tops Make Much More Sense.

Girl #1, sift­ing through shirts on ta­ble: Oh my god, these v‑necks are so freak­ing cute.
Girl #2: Yeah…if this one did­n’t have sharks on it. If there’s one thing I hate is sharks. Who puts sharks on shirts nowa­days, any­way?

Ur­ban Out­fit­ters
San Fran­cis­co, Cal­i­for­nia

They’re Right Next the Megavi­t­a­mins, Which Al­so Don’t Work

Guy: I’m not go­ing to stop and ask some­one, “ex­cuse me, where are your ray guns?”

CVS
Pitts­burgh, Penn­syl­va­nia

Over­heard by: ZB

Once He Walks Through JoAn­n’s Door, a Man Starts to Die

Girl­friend, hold­ing up scrap­book thing: Do you like this?
Boyfriend: Yeah, it’s nice.
Girl­friend: “It’s nice,” be­cause it’s nice, or “it’s nice,” so we can get the fuck out of here?

JoAnn Fab­rics and Crafts
Taco­ma, Wash­ing­ton

Over­heard by: baker98391

So Maybe She Need­ed Out-of-This-World Sex

Guy on cell: Yeah, I hooked up with her. [pause] I fucked her. She was tight. [pause] She has­n’t called me back. I don’t get why it’s so hard to take five sec­onds out of your day to see how I’m do­ing. [pause] She’s, like, Asian. Half Asian and half alien.

Barnes & No­ble
Los An­ge­les, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Hobo

Chances Are, Your Junk’s Not Go­ing Any­where ’til Pu­ber­ty, Kid­do

Lit­tle boy, grab­bing his crotch and jump­ing up and down: Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!

Tar­get
New Jer­sey

Over­heard by: Jo