Hope You Bitch­es Saved Me Some Weed

Mom: Why is the tv on with the mute on?
Daugh­ter #1: Cause of the pret­ty mov­ing pic­tures!
Daugh­ter #2: Yeah! It’s like an aquar­i­um, but with Tom Han­ks.

Up­per Hutt
New Zealand

Over­heard by: Kat

They’ll Tell Us What to Do

Teen, hear­ing that IBM com­put­er “Wat­son” is win­ning at Jeop­ardy: That makes me so hap­py! We have ro­bot over­lords!

Itha­ca, New York

Every Time I Try That, I Lose Some Mem­o­ry

Mom: Ar­rrrgh. My brain just is­n’t work­ing to­day!
Eight-year-old (dead­pan): Did you try turn­ing it off and on again?

Steve­ston
Cana­dia

Over­heard by: laugh­ing san­gria out my nose

As His San­cho Pan­za

Girl: You should meet his dad! He’s like Don Quixote in a Kaf­ka sto­ry.
Guy: Who’s fa­ther they were talk­ing about…you know…but with a tv.

Sabiá bar, Vi­la Madale­na
Sao Paulo, Brazil

Dude, Just Make an Au­dio-Vi­su­al Geek Your Friend

Mu­sic his­to­ry pro­fes­sor, putting a CD in the play­er: And now we pray to the god of CDs. It’s not good to be a teacher with CDs. They are very stu­pid things. [Pause.] …It’s not good to be a teacher, per­haps that’s what it is.

Peabody Con­ser­va­to­ry
Bal­ti­more, Mary­land

Sarah Re­al­ly Knows How to Push Her Own But­tons.

Self-cen­tered bim­bo to an­oth­er: I love tex­ting my­self, but I told my­self: “let me see if I can hold off do­ing that til Sun­day, to see if I can live alone.”

Ma­maro­neck, New York

Ac­cord­ing to the Very Re­li­able Hobo on My Cor­ner

Girl: I did­n’t say I was a les­bian cy­borg, I just said I was a cy­borg.
Guy: All cy­borgs are les­bians.

Townsville
Aus­tralia

Shuts Him­self Off Like C‑3PO

Girl #1: Vern’s break­ing down.
Girl #2: Who?
Girl #1: My car.
Girl #2: Oh. I was wor­ried there for a sec­ond.

Belling­ham, Wash­ing­ton

And This Mon­ey Is­n’t Even Green!

Mid­dle-aged Amer­i­can tourist woman: The rooms here have strange plugs, I sim­ply can­not use my curl­ing iron! This is out­ra­geous… I want to see the man­ag­er im­me­di­ate­ly!

Ho­tel Restau­rant
Mu­nich
Ger­many

Over­heard by: Dru

We’d Be Wide Awake, but Our Cards Would Be Stained

Guy play­ing mag­ic card game with a bunch of friends: All I’m say­ing is that some­where, in an al­ter­nate uni­verse, there is a ta­ble pro­duc­ing cof­fee!

Clark Col­lege
Van­cou­ver, Wash­ing­ton