Teacher to chatty class: Everyone, quiet, we have to go over this!
(class continues chatting)
Guy in the back: I will kill you all.
(class falls silent)
High School
Chesapeake, Virginia
Archive for the ‘Threats’ Category
Typhoid Mary Was Also an Avid Bowler
Woman at table dining with friend: I mean, I love infectious diseases, don’t get me wrong, but that’s not my life.
Red Restaurant
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: kyndgrrl
Meet the Most Forgetful Woman in Dallas
Woman: I found the nipple! Crisis averted.
N. Bishop Avenue
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
Now Everyone Fasten Their Duct Tape — We’re about to Take Off
Pilot: There is no smoking on this aircraft. The penalty for smoking is two thousand dollars. If you had that kind of money, you’d probably be flying United.
Southwest Airlines flight
Overheard by: broke
I’ll Put the Ralph in Your Cramden
Girl: Oh my god, I can’t believe you! You vomited all over their bathroom!
Drunk chick: I’ll vomit in your vagina!
Blacksburg, Virginia
We Thought Only Americans Knew This Little About Sex Ed.
[Line for ladies’ room]Girl #1: Hi, do you mind if I cut in front of you? It’s urgent.
Girl #2: Sure.
Girl #1: Thanks, I have to change my tampon.
Girl #2: [Blank stare.]Girl #1: I have to make sure I change it often. Not too often, because once I changed it too much and got chlamydia.
Girl #2: Oh…[Suppresses laugh.]
Western Australia
Australia
One Day You Will Make Some Dork Very, Very Happy
20-something chick to friend on cell: I like how you’re listening to the message I left you while I’m standing right here.
Friend: I just want to make sure I get the message, I don’t want to be like one of those people who calls you back without listening to the message.
20-something chick: I hate those people! It’s like, what if the message was really important? Like, “Help me, I’m dying! Don’t call me back–it sets off the bomb!”
University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Good point
And See Them from the Inside
Drunk guy to drunk girl: If any of these guys see your boobies tonight and I don’t, I’ll slit your throat!
Maple Lanes Bowling Alley
Cedar Falls, Iowa
Who Will Punch Me in the Ovaries Regardless.
Drunk punk girl #1: Oh my god! Is that a raccoon? I think it’s staring at me!
Drunk punk girl #2: That’s a fuckin shirt, you retard.
Drunk punk girl #1: Well, if it bites me, I’m punching you in the ovaries!
Drunk punk girl #2, muttering: I need new friends.
Outside Bar
Niagara Falls, New York
Stop Being White in Popeye’s!
Black girl #1: Okay, I know what I’m getting. Do you know what you’re getting?
White girl: I’ve never been here before. Let me look for a while. [Pauses, then yells.] Wait a minute! Popeye’s a sailor; Why does he sell chicken?
Black girl #2: Oh my god, shut up now or no more vodka for you for the rest of the night!
White girl: Okay. [Giggles.] I’m sorry.
[Black girls start talking to each other.]White girl, yelling: Why are there no white people in here?!
Black girl #1: Aww fuck, take her outside to the car. This is her first and last time ever coming here!
Popeye’s
Trenton, New Jersey
