Shit, No, It’s Jafar!

Little girl, about passerby wearing turban: Look, Mommy — it’s Aladdin.

Target
Virginia

Overheard by: Makes me want to have kids!

The Heaven Entrance Exam Is Teeming With Poetry Questions

Teacher (about poetry assignment): Some of you did a good job and wrote some wonderful things. Some of you just did the assignment. Some of you haven’t even turned it in. Those people are going to hell.

TJHSST
Alexandria, Virginia

It’s a Good Thing You Love My Dangling Participle

Blonde: Oh, I’ve heard of that restaurant! Where is it at?
Boyfriend: No, ‘where is it’?
Blonde: No, that’s what I’m asking you! Where’s it at?
Boyfriend, shaking head and sighing: It’s by the mall. This is ridiculous.

Virginia Beach, Virginia

Overheard by: Cringing English major

Help Yourself–the Keys Are in It

Announcement: There’s a gray car parked outside, four feet into the street.
Older woman: It’s mine. I don’t park cars; I just sort of abandon them.

Portsmouth, Virginia

Instead, I’ll Discuss Your Pain With This Complete Stranger

Boyfriend to gas station attendant: She slept with the entire football team in high school.
Girlfriend: Maybe, but I still wouldn’t have slept with you.
Boyfriend: Yeah? Really? How’s your butt feel? Ha! I haven’t even told my friends about that yet!

Richmond, Virginia

Just Trying to Keep the Predators Away, Sweetie

Whispering mom: Don’t play with your skirt like that. You know what you forgot this morning.
Three-year-old, loudly: Panties!

Dunkin’ Donuts
Virginia

Overheard by: callumny

What With Mrs. Butterworth Morally Judging Me

Elderly woman: You know… It’s so hard to eat pancakes in the nude!

Winchester, Virginia

Overheard by: SB

…So I’m Afraid I’ll Have to Decline Your Offer.

Macy’s sales clerk: Now this cologne is $19.99 for the large bottle and comes with the free teddy bear.
Large woman spilling out of leopard-print tube top, sniffing: This is nice… It’s real classy smelling.

Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: I don’t discriminate; I hate everybody.

Every Country Has Its Own Rules for Greeting Royalty

Guy on cell at register: I know! I know! So listen — when you first meet him, go up to him, bow, whip your own chopsticks, and tell him you would like to procreate with him.

Dick’s Sporting Goods
Fairfax, Virginia

Overheard by: Cashier who needed the laugh

A High Holy Day for Us Retailians

Girl #1: Well, today wasn’t a total loss, I did find my outfit for tomorrow.
Girl #2: True. By the way, what’s tomorrow?
Girl #1: Uh, Thursday. You mean like the date?
Girl #2: No, I mean: what’s the occasion for the outfit?
Girl #1: Oh, right! Thursday.

Dulles Town Center
Loudoun County, Virginia