Best. Sport­ing Event. Ever.

Weird young man, talk­ing to him­self: Those damn beavers and their rakes!

Se­dona, Ari­zona

Which Al­so Ex­plains the Peanut But­ter Smears

Col­lege stu­dent: That one an­swer is wrong. You put a nine in­stead of a six.
Pro­fes­sor: I was prob­a­bly stoned at the time.

Sus­sex, New Jer­sey

Thanks, Make-a-Wish Foun­da­tion!

Drunk girl in bar dur­ing Rose Bowl: It’s official–I’m go­ing to be ovu­lat­ing on my wed­ding day.

Chica­go, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Dou­ble V

…Just by Slip­ping That Home De­pot Cat­a­log un­der Our Mat­tress

Soc­cer mom: I can’t be­lieve I was able to con­vince my hus­band that I was gay.

Mu­se­um of Fine Arts
Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

They Fi­nal­ly Set­tled on the Nike Swish

Teenage guy to an­oth­er: Did­n’t they want to name their kid some­thing weird, like “ques­tion mark?”

Brighton, Mass­a­chu­setts

Over­heard by: L‑Dawg

I Hard­ly Touched My­self at All

Dude: Just be­cause I watched you out a win­dow for an hour does­n’t mean I’m creepy.

High School Class­room
En­gle­wood, Col­orado

If I Get Good Grades This Se­mes­ter?

Asian girl: Can I have two penis­es?

Mar­ket Street
San Fran­cis­co, Cal­i­for­nia

We’d Hate to Hear Him in Bed

Pi­lot over in­ter­com af­ter rough land­ing: Whooaa, Nessie! (makes gal­lop­ing sound) Easy, girl! (makes baaing sound) Whoops, wrong an­i­mal.

Hous­ton, Texas

Over­heard by: kay­la

…Which I Use for My Oth­er Job

(on a bus pass­ing city jail)
Mom: Look kids… that’s where dad­dy is.
(pause)
Mom: I can give you a hair­cut.
Man: I like the la­dy who does my hair, she has good mir­rors so I can see the back of my head.
Mom: I’ve got good mir­rors. I’ve got mir­rors on the ceil­ing, too.

Bus
Om­a­ha, Ne­bras­ka

In the Mean­time, Would You Like to Take My Card?

Wild­ly beard­ed hobo rid­ing rusty bi­cy­cle and wear­ing on­ly one shoe and para­chute pants: Why, hel­lo miss. Would you be in­ter­est­ed in en­ter­ing in­to a mu­tu­al­ly ben­e­fi­cial body mas­sage arrange­ment?
Sur­prised, red­head­ed woman: Uh­h­h­hh, not to­day, thank you.
Hobo: I’ll try back lat­er.

Queen West
Toron­to
Cana­dia