Archive for September, 2007

But Only If Thumper Was Already Taken

Teen boy #1: So, out of all the Disney princesses, which one would you get nasty with?
Teen boy #2: What? That’s gross shit, man. They’re cartoons! You’re disgusting.
Teen boy #1, after pause: So, the Little Mermaid?
Teen boy #2: Word.

Fall River, Massachusetts

Why Britney Spears Has Become Amorphous

Worker #1, to guy checking watch repeatedly: God! You’re such a spaz!
Worker #2: I’m a spaz? You’re the one who has to sort your rubber bands by color, size, and shape.
Worker #1: Shape? Rubber bands only come in one shape!
Worker #2: Well, you sort the broken and unbroken ones.
Worker #1: … Broken isn’t a shape.

Monsanto break room
Waterman, Illinois

A Pink Bow Might Be Pretty

Preppy teen girl #1: Well, do you like her?
Preppy teen girl #2: I mean, yeah, I like her… But she has got to do something about her mustache!

Newport News, Virginia

Overheard by: Sam

Lindsay Lohan Stars in Yellow Fever

Chick: Oh my god, Marissa! I just met a guy who’s looking for a girl to pee on him.
Marissa: I would totally do that!
Chick: I know! That’s why I told you.
Marissa: Let’s go find him!

Nightlight Lounge
Bellingham, Washington

The Rabbi Is Huge

Chick: Wow, you’re radiating!
Sunburned girl: Yeah, that’s the sunburn. Oh, and the fact that I get really horny during exams, and all I can think about is boning… C’mon, you know you all do it.
Chick: Yeah, I go to synagogue for that.

You Guys Give Me the Willies

Teen girl: God, sisters can be annoying.
Single child: I don’t have any. Hey, Abby*, do you have siblings?
Abby: Yeah… A younger brother who’s always calling for advice.
Breeder: Andrew, right?
Abby: That’s him. He’s always calling me. ‘Abby, I want to upgrade from dating stupid, ugly girls to pretty, ugly girls — how do I do it? Abby, what color looks better on me, cream or salmon?‘
Only male: Right, the not-exactly-gay brother.
Abby, ignoring him: ‘Abby, I was watching porn and my penis twitched sideways — what do I do?‘
Purple-haired girl: What?
Teen girl: I hate to admit it, but if my penis was twitching sideways, I’d call you for advice.
Breeder: So, did you know?
Abby: Guys, I was 13! Of course I didn’t know!
Only male: But you know now?
Abby, as entire group stares: … Three possibilities.
Only male: I’ll call you, then, if my penis twitches sideways.

Steak ‘n Shake

A Hung Jury

Guy: Well, I’m not gay.
Girl: The jury is still out on that.
Guy: Fine. Let me know when the jury gets in.
Girl: Let me know when you have sex again!

Derby, Connecticut

Overheard by: Jess