Shabby guy to friend: … So now I have to go appease all of these pregnant people…
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Kirsten
Archive for November, 2007
But the Guy Who Went As a Hedgehog Had It Even Worse
Party host: Man, it took me three weeks to clean the gorilla suit after the wedding…
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Paul
Nothing That Happens on the Principal’s Desk Is Sex
Student: Okay, so maybe he was inside me and I was moving around, but it wasn’t sex.
Williamsburg, Virginia
When Martha Stewart Has Nightmares
Naked guy with cock ring and whip: So, what are we doing later this evening?
Boyfriend with nipple rings, dog collar, padlock, and leash: We’re going to my parents’ for dinner, remember?
Naked guy: Oh, right. Your dad asked me to help him with the aquarium.
Boyfriend, looking at huge dildos: And I want to help my mom finish the quilt she’s working on. And we should mulch the rose garden while we’re there, too.
Folsom Street Fair
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: cultural tourist
Because I Plan to Smile the Whole Fucking Way Home
Husband: Do you want any strawberries?
Wife: No.
Husband: Do you want any pears?
Wife: No.
Husband: Do you want any peaches?
Wife: No [walks away].
Husband, to clerk: I’ll take some strawberries, pears, and peaches.
Payson, Arizona
I’ll Take “People Who Deserve Each Other” for $200, Alex
Girl: I always clean the sheets. You never notice, but I always clean the sheets.
Guy: What? We don’t even have sheets on the bed right now.
Girl: And do you want to know why we don’t have sheets on the bed? Because the other night, after you’d bled on them–
Guy: –I bled on them because you kicked me.
Girl: I did not kick you! It was that mole — that mole that started bleeding, which I’m very concerned about, by the way. Your mole shouldn’t just start bleeding like that. But anyway, I had just cleaned the sheets, and then your mole bled on them, and I went to clean them again and I thought, ‘Why don’t I see how long it would take him to notice there aren’t even sheets on the bed?’ So that’s why we haven’t had sheets on the bed for a month.
12th and Locust
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
The Cell Reception Is Atrocious
Frustrated mom: For the love of God, stop crying! If you don’t stop, I’m going to shove you back in my uterus, close my legs, and never let you out!
Crying little boy: No! I don’t like it in there!
San Francisco, California
When Engineers Have Humanities Requirements
Girl: But Gandhi — he, like, did so much for the world. He helped humanity.
Guy: Yeah, but we still shouldn’t have to write a paragraph about him.
Flint Hall, Syracuse University
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: ears burning
She Was Happy Feet-Good
Man, about preteen: She was being such a good penguin that I wished that I had some extra fish to give her.
Delaware
Which May Be Why He’s Sleeping with Me
Chick: Okay, so here’s the story — I don’t know what to do about my crackhead boyfriend. He’s, like, seriously on crack…
Friend: I really think you’re over-thinking everything…
Green line bus, University of Connecticut
Storrs, Connecticut
