Man: What do you want for Christmas?
Chubby boy: Meatloaf.
Brownstone Diner
Jersey City, New Jersey
Archive for December, 2010
Nothing’s Sweeter Than Frozen Semen
Old broad #1: Well, you heard that they froze his semen, right?
Old broad #2, gasping: Really?
Old broad #1: Of course! I mean, Susan* would love to have more children with Thomas*, you know, but on account of the cancer, it just makes things a little difficult.
Old broad #2: That’s so sweet…
Salon
Madison, Wisconsin
The Best Part Is, He’s Recording His Voicemail Away Message.
20-something man on cell: I’ve got women. I started my own religion. I don’t give a shit if hipsters don’t think I’m cool. (pause) I know in my heart I’m a fucking genius. If I died tonight, there would be a massive white trash orgasm. (pause) If you’re so bad, your soul goes into a wax museum. We should make our own rap music. We’ll be so good they’ll put us in a mausoleum, like Stalin.
Norman, Oklahoma
Admit It– You’re Strangely Aroused.
Pretty hipster in lab: It’s cold in here and it’s also not hot outside.
Pretty nerd in lab: Shouldn’t the thrill of science keep you warm?
Pretty hipster in lab: That’s such a stupid thing to say…
Cornell University
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: Warm for Science
Yada Yada Yada, I’m Not Allowed Back Next Semester.
Female college girl: She asked me “what’s a vagina?”
Montreal
Quebec
Canadia
Showed Me Their Union Cards
Kid-faced guy in suit on cell: Yeah, and then those malicious evildoers told me I shouldn’t be there. (pause) They were the minions of the Antichrist. (pause) I’m serious, dammit!
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Carrie
Why Can’t My Brother and I Be This Close?
Five-year-old girl: I farted on you, again.
Five-year-old brother: I don’t care.
Shoreline, Washington
Plus I Can’t Color-coordinate a Window-Valence Worth a Darn!
60-year-old drunk in bar: The only reason I’ve never tried being gay is because I’m afraid I might like it.
Sandy Springs, Georgia
Overheard by: Me too…
Give Me Directions at Your Own Risk
City bus driver, at the beginning of his shift: My name is Bob, I’ll be your new bus driver. I’ll be taking this bus down University to… some mall. I don’t know where we’re going, heh. I’m new. I will drive very carefully… unless you piss me off.
Des Moines, Iowa
That’s Not What I Meant When I Asked “What’s Your Position?”
Eastern European delegate in back row: And that was by far the biggest thing that has ever been in my ass!
College of William & Mary Model United Nations Conference
Williamsburg, Virginia
Overheard by: The Georgia delegate now regretting her seat choice
