Archive for September, 2011

We Knew “Tits,” but “Pagga” Was New to Us

Coked up psychopath to group of people at pub table: Yeah! I’m the cunt of the group! Mind if I join you?
Guy at table: Erm…
Coked up psychopath, sitting down: Are you fucking students? I fucking hate fucking students. Are you from the Midlands? Are you from K‑town? I just got out of prison. Two years for dealing coke. Wanna buy any coke? I sell to all the guys around here. You know short Irish Pete? I did two years inside with that cunt. (to one of the girls at the table) You’ve got massive tits. Are those fake eyelashes? You’re not a fucking student, are you?
Guy at table: Mate… we’re just trying have a quiet drink.
Coked up psychopath: You lookin’ for a fucking pagga, you cunt? I’ve got a fucking knife. (turns to girl with large breasts) I like your fucking tits.

Pub
Leamington Spa
England

Overheard by: Bleep


Your Stupidity Is Beyond the Pale.

Female student: That picture was awful. I looked so pale. I mean, I looked Ethiopian. It was bad.
Male student: Huh? You looked… what?
Female student: Pale! Like Ethiopian.
Male student: Are you trying to say “albino”?
Female student: Oh.

Mississippi College School of Law


Pittsburgh Defines “Healthy” in Its Own Way, Dear Reader

EMT #1, buying snuff: At least I quit smoking.
EMT #2: What are you talking about? I saw you have a cigarette a few days ago.
EMT #1: I was drinking.
EMT #2: We were at work, if you were drinking and didn’t share… we have a problem.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: that girl from Sunoco


With Your Anorgasmia, for Example

Ridiculously attractive busty blonde girl, in very short skirt and tiny top, to two policemen hunting in the rain for lost mobile phone: Aw! Thank you guys so much! I don’t know how I lost it. You’re so kind to help me!
Policeman, trying hard not to stare at her now rather wet top: Anything we can do to help, miss.

Leamington Spa
England

Overheard by: Bleep


Can’t You Just Let It Drop?

Lady in next bathroom stall: And that Febreeze with gain smells like poop.

Target
Concord, New Hampshire

Overheard by: Thanks for the info


Some Folks Have More Baggage Than Others

Ghetto female station attendant: Let me see your ticket.
Scared-looking guy: I don’t have one, I gave it to the driv…
Ghetto female station attendant: You rode fo’ free?
Scared-looking guy: No, I gave my ticket to the…
Ghetto female station attendant: He ain’t got no ticket! Get the station police over here, this guy rode for free!
Scared-looking guy: But I gave my ticket to the driver. There’s my receipt.
Ghetto female station attendant, after pause: Can I get your bag out for you, sir?

Greyhound Station
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania


Not the Grand Opening We’d Been Expecting

Woman, screaming into cell: She has a cyst… A cyst!… It’s infected… Infected!… And it keeps opening up!

Long Island Jewish Hospital
New York

Overheard by: Ladle


Instead Of Sucking?

Blonde teenage girl, looking at DJ Hero box: Oh, I thought it said “BJ Hero,” I would have kicked ass at that.

England


Not Every Girl Is Born to Be a Woman Of Letters

17-year-old standing in front of spices in grocery store: Whoa! They organized all of these by the Dewey decimal system?
Mother: No honey, that’s the alphabet.

Wegmans
New Jersey

Overheard by: SM