Archive for February, 2012

Wanna Spoon?

Frantic college girl, explaining why she made no sense: And when it went from my mind to my… speaking utensils…

Ellensburg, Washington


Um, Beaver?

Guy: I’m going to bake you a pie.
Girl: You’re going to bake me a pie? You?
Guy: Yeah!
Girl, rolling eyes: Well, eat half and fuck the other, because you ain’t getting in these panties.
(five minutes later)
Girl: What kind of pie?

Restaurant
Manhattan, New York


Meet the Only Two Vegans in Newfoundland

Girl #1: Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up and are just like, “ugh, I’m so desperate for some b‑12”?
Girl #2: Ugh, yeah.
Girl #1: Yeah, that was me yesterday. So I bought some. (pulls bottle of vitamin b‑12 from her purse)

St. John’s
Newfoundland
Canadia

Overheard by: Mel


Stephen Suffers From Aphasians

Girl to guy, after long moment of intense pondering: Yeah, I think Chinese accents are definitely funnier than mental illness.

Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: Twinla Archnemekiss


Life Was Much Simpler in College

Dude to friend, entering bar: Don’t worry about a thing. We’ll get you drunk, get you laid, and get you on a Fung Wah bus tomorrow morning.

Near Boston University Dorms
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Brian


Your Editors Prefer “Wide Gate to Paradise”

Guy, about the word “vagina”: It doesn’t roll off the tongue.
Girl: The British used the word “quim,” which originated from the Welsh… It means a hollow or a valley. (pause) The valley between her legs.
Guy: See, nobody wants a valley… Shoulda just called it a slit.
Girl, sarcastically: Or a hairline fracture.

Bayonne, New Jersey


…Senator.

Young scruffy guy, shouting at grey-haired guy walking nervously away: I sucked your dick! Give me my five dollars!

The Mission
San Francisco, California


Friends Don’t Let Friends Tutor Drunk

Girl #1: I need you to help me with my English homework.
Girl #2: Alright, what do you need help with?
Girl #1: I still can’t understand how you tell adjectives from adverbs.
Girl #2: Adverbs end in ‑ly, like “quickly,” “quietly,” and “quantity.”

University of Wisconsin