Are You Sure You’re Us­ing Them Cor­rect­ly?

Guy to girl­friend: I like when we’re both us­ing our lap­tops and I lick your nip­ple and it shocks me, like lick­ing a nine-volt bat­tery.

Pa­lo Al­to, Cal­i­for­nia

When Yonkers Girls Make a Sex­u­al Avail­abil­i­ty State­ment

Roller girl: Whoa! That’s a vagi­na you could ac­ci­den­tal­ly fist.

Yonkers, New York

… In Church

Guy to pal: Some­times I wish it were so­cial­ly ac­cept­able to have an­oth­er guy suck your dick.

Simp­sonville, South Car­oli­na

How In­tel­li­gent De­sign The­o­rists Date

Girl to guy mak­ing out with her at bar: So, do you want my phone num­ber?
Guy: If it was meant to be, I’ll guess it.

Lawrence, Kansas

Over­heard by: The Scan­di­na­vian

Tra­di­tion­al Women Ex­pect a High Re­turn on Their In­vest­ment

20-some­thing artist: She’s pret­ty pu­ri­tan­i­cal for some­one who gets naked for mon­ey.

Port­land, Ore­gon

First Shoot the Per­son Who Gave a Kid a Mega­phone

Lit­tle nine-year-old kid with mega­phone: You are go­ing to go to hell, you know! The Apoc­a­lypse is com­ing! Are you ready? If you are drink­ing, you are a bad moth­er!
Army man #1, stand­ing near­by: Do we have per­mis­sion to fire?
Army man #2: I wish.

The Ken­tucky Der­by

Over­heard by: Kdub-ya

When They Do, It’s Quick­ly and Sparse­ly.

Girl sit­ting in front of lec­ture hall to pro­fes­sor, very mat­ter-of-fact­ly: Peo­ple don’t re­al­ly use ad­verbs any­more.

Evans Hall, UC Berke­ley
Berke­ley, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: the on­ly one left

Ten­nessee Teenagers Have On­ly Two Op­tions

Loud smok­ing kid: Man, I got­ta help out at va­ca­tion bible school next week.
Girl: Why?
Loud smok­ing kid: I promised Zach I would if I was­n’t in jail.

Se­wa­nee, Ten­nessee

Just Start Blow­ing Things and See What Comes Out

Hip­ster guy: I can’t tell if I’m horny or it’s just my si­nus in­fec­tion again…

UBC
Cana­dia

Don’t Change a Hair for Me (Not If You Care for Me)

20-some­thing girl: Fuck pe­ter! I waxed my vag for you!

Toron­to