Archive for May, 2019

And Tu­na Breath

Chic fe­male suit: I just can’t imag­ine him as a cat!
Old­er fe­male suit: Well, he does have mul­ti­ple per­son­al­i­ties.

San Fran­cis­co, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: me-ow!

As Op­posed to Do­ing the Voodoo That You Do So Well

Girl: She re­al­ly hat­ed you for awhile, though. She even made a voodoo doll of you.
Guy: Are you fuck­ing se­ri­ous?!
Girl: Well, she Vel­croed a bunch of an­gry words to a cab­bage patch doll and then cried be­cause she was afraid the doll thought she was an­gry at it specif­i­cal­ly.
Guy: She al­ways main­tained an im­pres­sive lev­el of in­com­pe­tence.

Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

But It Was a Planned In­car­cer­a­tion

Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can’t be­lieve we are not hang­ing out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you’re sup­posed to be hang­ing out with me. We nev­er hang out any­more and we are boyfriend and girl­friend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were sup­posed to hang out this past Sat­ur­day and Sun­day but we did­n’t! You were not fuck­ing there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Mutha­fuck­er you were in jail!

Iowa State Uni­ver­si­ty, Iowa

Over­heard by: Casey

Steroids? Dis­cuss.

Old sweaty guy to gym own­er: Bob*, did you know there’s some­thing wrong with one of your balls?
Gym own­er: Which one?
Old sweaty guy: The lit­tle blue one. It’s half de­flat­ed.
Gym own­er: Oh, that one. It’s al­ways had prob­lems. Peo­ple keep do­ing stu­pid things with it.

Blue Moun­tains

My Mom Is So Not the Boss of Me

Guy on cell, buy­ing whipped cream, 24-pack of beer, and box of con­doms: I am so over that bitch. Yeah, tonight is gonna be great! Fi­nal­ly, a night where I can do what­ev­er I want with­out her bitch­ing about it. Yeah, come over when­ev­er. And bring some friends.

Gro­cery store
Syra­cuse, New York