Archive for May, 2019

And Tuna Breath

Chic female suit: I just can’t imagine him as a cat!
Older female suit: Well, he does have multiple personalities.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: me-ow!


As Opposed to Doing the Voodoo That You Do So Well

Girl: She really hated you for awhile, though. She even made a voodoo doll of you.
Guy: Are you fucking serious?!
Girl: Well, she Velcroed a bunch of angry words to a cabbage patch doll and then cried because she was afraid the doll thought she was angry at it specifically.
Guy: She always maintained an impressive level of incompetence.

Boston, Massachusetts

But It Was a Planned Incarceration

Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can’t believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you’re supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn’t! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!

Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa

Overheard by: Casey

Steroids? Discuss.

Old sweaty guy to gym owner: Bob*, did you know there’s something wrong with one of your balls?
Gym owner: Which one?
Old sweaty guy: The little blue one. It’s half deflated.
Gym owner: Oh, that one. It’s always had problems. People keep doing stupid things with it.

Gym
Blue Mountains
Australia

My Mom Is So Not the Boss of Me

Guy on cell, buying whipped cream, 24-pack of beer, and box of condoms: I am so over that bitch. Yeah, tonight is gonna be great! Finally, a night where I can do whatever I want without her bitching about it. Yeah, come over whenever. And bring some friends.

Grocery store
Syracuse, New York

Way to Be Empathetic, Bitch

College girl #1: You know how you tell yourself, ‘It’s okay to spend a lot of money on clothes, because then I won’t have enough money to buy food so I’ll be able to fit into my clothes’?
College girl #2: I never tell myself that.
College girl #1: Oh. Well, I do.

Newbury Street boutique
Boston, Massachusetts