Archive for June, 2019

Why Stu­pid Peo­ple Will Al­ways Out­num­ber Smart Peo­ple: Ex­plained

Teen girl #1: You know, I wish we had some sort of preg­nan­cy switch that we can turn on and off at will. That way, when we have one night stands, we can just turn ’em off, and, voila! No ba­by!
Teen girl #2: We do. They’re called di­a­grams.
Teen girl #3: You mean “di­aphragms.“
Teen girl #2: What­ev­er.

Man­hat­tan, New York

Over­heard by: Leila

Mom Has Very High Stan­dards

Lazy girl: So, I told my mom that you and I were go­ing to take ten­nis lessons to­geth­er in the sum­mer.
Work­out friend: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Lazy girl: She just laughed at me.
Work­out friend: Why?
Lazy friend: She said I was too slow, un­co­or­di­nat­ed, and she did­n’t out­right say it, but I’m sure she thinks I’m mild­ly re­tard­ed.

Ot­tawa, On­tario

Over­heard by: A mild case of the ADD

Yeah, I’ve Had to Tell Tom­my Hil­figer’s Peo­ple No

Hobo #1, hold­ing gal­lon of wa­ter: I’ve been try­ing to drink a lot of wa­ter. You need to clear that tox­ic shit out. You col­lect lots of, uh, what they called? En­dorse­ments. Your body just builds up these en­dorse­ments, and they poi­son you! I think that’s what they’re called… You know what I mean?
Hobo #2: [Nods know­ing­ly.]

San Fran­cis­co, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Rich

Throw Ball Bear­ings on the Floor and Say You Just Jerked Off

Sem­i­nary stu­dent: I al­ways want­ed to just write down a se­ries of num­bers and let­ters on the birth cer­tifi­cate, and then lat­er tell my kid they were a ro­bot. It’d be awe­some be­cause you’d have the re­al, orig­i­nal birth cer­tifi­cate to prove it — to prove that they were a ro­bot…

Prince­ton, New Jer­sey