Librarian: Hello, Justin. I’d shake hands with you but my hands are very sticky.
Sacred Heart University
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Jesse
Archive for March, 2020
“…Would You Care for a Dead Rat?”
Man at bus stop: So I’m standing there at the counter, sorting time cards, doing my job, and the secretary looks up and says, “okay, I don’t care that you do it, and it doesn’t bother me personally, but the custodian says he’s tired of cleaning up twenty dead rats every day.” And all I can say is, “well, what else am I supposed to do?”
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Tsunoba
Oh, in That Case I’d Be a Cheetah
Guy #1: Man, that movie was so good last night — I was so baked.
Guy #2: Yeah, that shit is so much better when you’re high.
Guy #1, after a pause: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Guy #2: I don’t like birds.
Guy #3: I’d be a pterodactyl, dude.
Cafeteria line, Colgate University
Hamilton, New York
As His Sancho Panza
Girl: You should meet his dad! He’s like Don Quixote in a Kafka story.
Guy: Who’s father they were talking about…you know…but with a tv.
Sabiá bar, Vila Madalena
Sao Paulo, Brazil
How My Mom Forces Me to Interact with Attractive Men
Girl #1: I thought you were clumsy because you had fallen in love.
Girl #2: I was clumsy because somebody pushed me.
New Jersey
My Secret? Low Standards.
Girl #1: You fail at life.
Girl #2: Nuh-uh! I’m good at life! I have a C‑plus at life!
High school
Ohio
Overheard by: Kat Navane
Are You Deflating?
Guy lying on girl’s stomach: Your bellybutton is probably the worst thing I’ve smelled this week.
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: what about last week?
Anybody Have Any Bread?
(student coughs violently into hands, spewing fake blood)
Lit professor: Oh my god! Are you okay?
Student: (coughing up more blood) Can I go to the bathroom?
Lit professor: Oh my god, go, go!
(student leaves)
Lit professor: (realizing it’s April 1st) Haha… His consumption smells like raspberries.
Colorado University, Boulder
Overheard by: In the back of the classroom
911 Isn’t As Effective in Canadia
Guy on cell: You know you’re the only person who calls this number. You have to stop!
St. Catharines
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Meg
Like God, If They Didn’t Exist, TV Would Have to Invent Them
Young film intern asked to come up with new story: What about a girl surrounded by her sassy, lesbian friends? Do lesbians come in sassy?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: I honestly don’t know
