That Con­sists Most­ly of Pant­i­ng and Lick­ing Strangers

Drunk girl: You know, me and Jared are a lot alike. We both kind of throw our­selves out there with the same kind of des­per­a­tion, on­ly mine… is a more qui­et des­per­a­tion.

Uni­ver­si­ty of Ida­ho
Ida­ho

Over­heard by: Fun­ny­girl

Her “Ex­tra Help Ses­sions” Are Well-At­tend­ed

LSAT in­struc­tor: So, these fe­male sage grouse do a vi­su­al in­spec­tion to make sure the males don’t have an in­fec­tion be­fore mat­ing. If I had the same at­ten­tion to de­tail, maybe I would­n’t have got­ten chlamy­dia three times.

Ft. Worth, Texas

Over­heard by: Not So Hot For Teacher

Now Kind­ly Fas­ten Your Seat Belts in Case the Doors Fly Off

Stew­ardess: Sor­ry for the de­lay, ladies and gen­tle­men. The first two planes we tried did­n’t work, so this is the third one and we made it here okay…so, so far, so good!

Air­port Run­way
Cabo San Lu­cas
Mex­i­co

Weren’t We Fenc­ing?

30-some­thing male drunk: You’re not my moth­er!
20-some­thing fe­male drunk: I’m not your moth­er. I’m just telling you that it’s not okay to grunt and lunge at peo­ple.

Paci­fi­ca, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Slight­ly

Es­pe­cial­ly With Their Eyes Shut

Guy: If some­one was legal­ly blind, it would be re­al­ly hard for them to see in here.

Re­venge of the Mum­my ride, Uni­ver­sal Stu­dios
Or­lan­do, Flori­da

Just Dip It in the Jar, Dude!

Queer: Would­n’t it be great if penis­es tast­ed like Nutel­la?
Fag hag: Un­for­tu­nate­ly, oral sex does­n’t give you an evo­lu­tion­ary ad­van­tage, so we’ll prob­a­bly nev­er evolve that way.

Mon­tre­al
Cana­dia

Over­heard by: premed

Or An­thrax

Mom: No! Don’t walk on that! (kid con­tin­ues to walk on grass) I hope you step in dog shit.

Capi­tol Hill
Wash­ing­ton, DC

Over­heard by: christa

How Chi­na Got Ahead of Us

Man: I nev­er let any­one I owe mon­ey to walk be­hind me.

Han­cock Street, Bea­con Hill
Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

Guess Which One’s the “Naughty Li­brar­i­an”

Li­brary work­er #1: Do I have to lick it?
Li­brary work­er #2: … What?
Li­brary work­er #1: The en­ve­lope. Do I have to lick it?
Li­brary work­er #2: You could tape it, I guess…
Li­brary work­er #1: Great, be­cause af­ter last night, I am to­tal­ly out of sali­va.

Main Li­brary, Kent State Uni­ver­si­ty
Kent, Ohio

Snow White Is Al­ways Hurt­ing the Dwarves’ Feel­ings

Girl: Oh, as far as I’m con­cerned, they’re just the hap­py lit­tle work­er bees that bring me my birth con­trol.

Madi­son, Wis­con­sin