Girl standing in front of a pro-life poster: Well, if that’s true I owe god a lot of child support.
Colorado
Archive for the ‘God’ Category
All Those Slip-and-Fall Accidents Are Smitings
Religion teacher to class of girls: And remember girls, always wear a bikini in the shower, because god is always watching you.
Dublin
Ireland
Dude, Just Make an Audio-Visual Geek Your Friend
Music history professor, putting a CD in the player: And now we pray to the god of CDs. It’s not good to be a teacher with CDs. They are very stupid things. [Pause.] …It’s not good to be a teacher, perhaps that’s what it is.
Peabody Conservatory
Baltimore, Maryland
Which Is Also What I Wrote for My Essay About the Statue Of Liberty
High school girl, ranting to friend about biology class: It’s *so* annoying…I hate evolution! He goes all into the *designing* of a cell and I’m like “God created it and that’s all we need to know.” We don’t have to go all hi-def into it!
Lancaster Mennonite HIgh School
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
And Why Do I Continue to Have Unsatisfying Sex with the TA?
Professor: See, humans have what Aristotle calls “rational souls,” meaning we use intellect. Humans ask questions that other living things can’t, like “what is god? What is the divine problem? Where are my Nunchuks? Where did I leave them?”
Philosophy Class, UC
Santa Barbara, California
Think Of Purgatory As a Drive-Through Soul Wash
Professor: So, basically god has to suppress the gag reflex when he looks at you; but it’s okay because he loves you anyway.
University of Akron
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Rebecca
He’d Only Stop Loving You If I Were a Fetus.
Little girl: And god loves everybody. God even loves you.
Scary little boy: I’m going to kill you.
Little girl: God will love you, even if you do.
Round Rock, Texas
And Neither Could God
College student: So first my girlfriend and I split, then I got accepted into the frat, and then I found god…I couldn’t handle spring break after that weekend.
Georgetown University
Washington, DC
Pythagoras Is a Jealous God, People
Math teacher: If you fuck with numbers, you’re fucking with god! And people get killed for that shit!
University of Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Tormented Math Student
So, Why’d God Break Your Hip, Myrtle?
Old lady #1: … And now he’s crippled!
Old lady #2: Well, of course he is. That’s what God does to people who get divorced.
Old lady #1: That’s true.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Voudou
