Queer #1: Ugh. All I know is that pussy smells like ass. I tried once in high school, and I was all, ‘Oooh, that smells like ass!’ and so I tried one more time, and it still smelled like ass.
Queer #2: Well, we know one thing for sure — your ass must smell like pussy.
Cleo’s, Chicago Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: EEE
Gay son: I need a sugar daddy.
Mother: You and me both.
Gay son: But I have a booty.
Mother, after long pause, and looking out the window: I have weeds where I once had grass…
Murrieta, California
Overheard by: I hope I don’t become my mother
Young gay man: Whereas, lacking the virtue of shoes, men must content themselves with being jerks.
Female friend: A poor consolation, and unfashionable.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Bethany
Queer #1: I can adjust to change, I think.
Queer #2: Yeah, but can your sphincter?
Leon High School
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: Deathly Confused
Smokin’ hot gay guy on phone: I bought the table under the impression that it was fuck-proof. My husband challenged me last night to prove otherwise. Now my table has been fucked through and Mark* isn’t talking to me right now. (pause) Yeah, it does sound like a funny problem to have, but it’s really not.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: The Sauce
Gay husband to his husband: It’s these Mexican circumstances. Everyone knows when you pass go, you collect $200.
Fairfax, Virginia
Ambiguous boy, yelling to friend across hall: And no pictures of me without pants!
High School
Nashville, Tennessee
Straight girl: So then we were making out, and it was really good…
Gay guy #1: Wait, isn’t this story supposed to be about how good he was at going down on you?
Straight girl: Oh, I’m getting there.
Gay guy #2: Yeah, okay, but this is really taking too long. Get to the point.
Gay guy #1: Seriously. I mean, we don’t really like hearing about straight hookups anyway. It’s gross. We’re just humoring you.
Guy guy #3: This is like the longest pussy-eating story I’ve heard all day.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: TMI
Queer ranting on cell: You pissed your bed, now marinate in it, Mister Magical!
14th Street and Grand Boulevard
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Auds
Flaming gay over speakerphone: Just like that boy from Miami last night, I tried to suck his dick like I was trying to win an Olympic gold medal. And that’s the only ass I would lick even if it wasn’t clean.
Washington, DC
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
