Friend #1: Do you remember when we were little and I used to show the neighbor’s boys my boobs so they’d give me candy? Bet you’re glad I stopped doing that!
Friend #2: What are you talking about? The only thing that’s changed is your form of payment! You just finished telling everyone not two minutes ago how last week you won $200 on amateur’s night when you went to the strip club with the guys!
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
Literature professor: You know, eventually we’re going to have to talk about the clitoris.
(class stares at him in silence) Maybe not today, but one of these days. I’m just saying.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Bearded man, teaching math: …which is gonna give you nine over nine over four, which is horribly ugly. Does that terrify you greatly? It should.
UW Rock County
Janesville, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Akuaku
Professor: All the crazies kept moving from the East Coast to the west until they hit California. Some moved back to Oklahoma, but the rest of us just hope there’s an earthquake and California floats off into the Mediterranean to become a homeland for Palestinians.
Carroll College
Waukesha, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Abbey
English teacher to class: Apostrophes and semicolons really turn me on.
Class: (horrified silence)
English teacher, to self: Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
High School
Wisconsin
Woman: My mom was in the hospital with brain cancer. Then my cousin showed up, and I asked her if she wanted to, you know, go to a craft store and get something for mom. Well, on the walk over, she… (makes farting noises). So you can imagine how upset I was.
YMCA
Beloit, Wisconsin
Guy to girl wearing multi-colored cowboy scarf: You’re like a rainbow bandit. It’s like you’re going to rob me… With niceness.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
English professor: “My wife, Bob, is pregnant.” Polygamy, pregnant men, gay marriage – it’s got it all!
University of Rock County
Wisconsin
Overheard by: Aku
Man in crowd of bar patrons leaving after last call, singing: It’s ti-ime for the pizza store, it’s ti-ime for the pizza store… I don’t even care where we go, I just got to get some cheese on my dick. I’m just gonna stick it in. I’m serious, let’s go, get that in an oven and roast it. Let’s get it in an oven… and roast it like a cherry tomato.
Madison, Wisconsin
40-something suit #1: So you remember when I was dying of melanoma?
40-something suit #2: Is that when you couldn’t go on the golf trip with the boss?
40-something suit #1: Yes, that was it!
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: MilwaukeeBabe
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
