Stats teacher: Alright, it needs to look more like a balloon, less like a cigar. (pause) More like a cigar, less like a balloon.

Marymount University
Arlington, Virginia

Girlfriend to Asian boyfriend staring at her chest: Ugh! Will you stop! It's getting annoying!
Asian boyfriend: Oh. Okay. (pauses as his eyes wander to another chick) I'll go look at another hot girl's boobs.
Girlfriend, rolling eyes: Okay, fine, you can stare.

Manhattan, New York

Blonde girl on phone: Hi dad! Congratulations on getting married!
Family, shouting to phone: Congratulations!
Blonde girl: We just wanted to make sure you actually went through with it this time.

Mesa, Arizona

Man on cell: Hey, mom, guess what I've got? Foot fungus!

Flagstaff, Arizona

Girl to mother: He's Jewish, but he goes to Christian churches to look for women.

Austin, Texas

Mother: Oh shoot, we'd better be getting in, we're already late.
Pretty good Brando for a six-year-old boy: The horror… the horror.

Outside St. Lawrence Catholic Church
Tampa, Florida

Girl: Carl is the epitome of Carl.

Eugene, Oregon

Preppy homo: I think I'd totally let Abe Lincoln jizz on my face.
Fag hag #1: Why not Roosevelt?
Preppy homo: Umm, he didn't have legs.
Fag hag #2: No, you're thinking of Teddy.

Irving Park, Illinois

Woman to friend: Yeah, well, he was honest about his number of divorces. Just not his number of marriages.
Friend: That's always a bitch.

Atlanta, Georgia

Biology teacher: Dead mothers do not give birth to very healthy babies.

Marymount University
Arlington, Virginia