Middle-aged black woman to friend: You gotsta have TP. You gotsta wipe yo’ ass.

Overheard by: anonymous

Dude #1: So he says, ‘If you can walk a straight line, you can come into my bar.’
Dude #2: And then he got raped!

Austin, Texas

Overheard by: ummmm

Dude: What did you bring for lunch?
Chick: A banana.
Dude: Won’t you be hungry?
Chick: No, I’ll eat it really slowly. That way it’ll last the whole day and I won’t worry about eating until I get home.
Dude: The whole day? Won’t it get brown and nasty? Do you want me to buy you a sandwich?
Chick: I said I’m eating a goddamn banana. Stop forcing your devil food into me!

Girl: Have you read Derrida?
Guy: Who?
Girl: Derrida! If you’re going to go to France and get laid, you’ve got to know who Derrida is.

Berkeley BART

Overheard by: Rhiannon Stone

Dude to chick: But seriously, aren’t you afraid that when you give birth you’re going to shit yourself?

Dude: She totally sandbags! You know she sandbags?!
Chick: Like there’s a hurricane.

Overheard by: pineapple

Girl: I’m using super advanced alien technology!
Guy: I’m using… a pumpkin!

Wheaton, Illinois

Overheard by: Claire

Party-goer: She is the only person I know who has a favorite appliance!

Moroccan restaurant
Seattle, Washington

Girl, about sister’s boyfriends: That was Bob* — he wanted to marry her.
Guy: Bob was kinda creepy.
Girl: Bob was not creepy! He had a job.
Guy: If that’s your only qualification for ‘not creepy’–
Girl: –He just faked his own death. But he got it out of his system — he won’t do it again.


Overheard by: much less bored now

Rollerblading guy #1: … And that’s when I’ll finally know that I’m successful… When I’m sitting on my throne of skulls.
Rollerblading guy #2: Uhhh… Sure, man.

Church and Shuter Streets