Girl: May I have a Long Island Iced Tea?
Bartender: Sure.
80-year-old lady sitting at bar: Giiirl, I hope you took yo’ birf control today!
Klondike Kate’s
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Cols
Girl: May I have a Long Island Iced Tea?
Bartender: Sure.
80-year-old lady sitting at bar: Giiirl, I hope you took yo’ birf control today!
Klondike Kate’s
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Cols
Pilot: Sorry for the delay — we are waiting for the cleaning team. Someone had a problem in the washrooms.
Flight attendant: I’d like to remind everyone that you should poop in the toilet — not outside of the hole but in the hole. Thank you for your collaboration.
Flight near takeoff
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Julien
Five-year-old girl in stall: Mommy, there’s lots of writing in here…
Mother in adjacent stall: Uh-huh… Don’t read it…
Truck stop
Charleston, West Virginia
Teen girl: God, sisters can be annoying.
Single child: I don’t have any. Hey, Abby*, do you have siblings?
Abby: Yeah… A younger brother who’s always calling for advice.
Breeder: Andrew, right?
Abby: That’s him. He’s always calling me. ‘Abby, I want to upgrade from dating stupid, ugly girls to pretty, ugly girls — how do I do it? Abby, what color looks better on me, cream or salmon?’
Only male: Right, the not-exactly-gay brother.
Abby, ignoring him: ‘Abby, I was watching porn and my penis twitched sideways — what do I do?’
Purple-haired girl: What?
Teen girl: I hate to admit it, but if my penis was twitching sideways, I’d call you for advice.
Breeder: So, did you know?
Abby: Guys, I was 13! Of course I didn’t know!
Only male: But you know now?
Abby, as entire group stares: … Three possibilities.
Only male: I’ll call you, then, if my penis twitches sideways.
Steak ‘n Shake
Arkansas
Employee to another: You gotta stay focused! He’s gonna run out of meat! You’re letting him run out of meat!
McDonald’s
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Mrs. BigMac
Preppy girl: Can we have our cell phones on for the field trip?
Teacher: No.
Preppy girl: But what if we get separated from the group? How will we find our way back?
Female peer: Ask a friendly hobo.
Hume-Fogg High School
Nashville, Tennessee
Professor: I guess one lesson we can take from this book is to never slap a Chinese warlord.
20th Century World Novel class, Mississippi State University
Mississippi
Overheard by: blondie
Girl: Have you read Derrida?
Guy: Who?
Girl: Derrida! If you’re going to go to France and get laid, you’ve got to know who Derrida is.
Berkeley BART
California
Overheard by: Rhiannon Stone
Chick on cell: You don’t need handcuffs for that. Just use duct tape. Duct tape works for everything. Even butt cheeks!
Hawthorne, California
Overheard by: smooph
Mother: If a man ever hurts you, spit in his face, then cut his dick off and hand it to his mama.
Nine-year-old daughter: What if it’s my brother?
Muncie, Indiana
Overheard by: rideabike
