The Need to Masturbate Is a Great Motivator

Girl: I’m using super advanced alien technology!
Guy: I’m using… a pumpkin!

Wheaton, Illinois

Overheard by: Claire

Posted on September 15, 2023
Friends, Gossip, Illinois

Ask for $100, Settle for $5

Hoochie: If I could get a hundred bucks just for showing my titties on Jerry Springer, I’d so do it.

Chicago, Illinois

Posted on August 9, 2023
Hoochies, Illinois, Money

With Lettuce?

New male employee: You shouldn’t open the lettuce like that.
Old female employee: Don’t tell me how to do my fucking job!
Manager, yelling from across store: Watch out! She’ll cut you!

Jimmy John’s
Charleston, Illinois

Overheard by: I just want my sandwich

Posted on August 4, 2023
Coworkers, Illinois, Threats

Philip Pullman: Goddamn It!

[Family looking at a Golden Compass poster.]Mom: Oooh! The new Narnia movie!
Dad: Did you know the polar bear is Jesus?

Great Escape Theater
Illinois

Overheard by: The Surly Usher

Posted on July 23, 2023
Animals, Compare and contrast, Dads, Illinois, Jesus, Moms, Movies, Questions

Dude, It Has the Word “Vajayjay” on the Cover

Twelve-year-old boy to friend: I didn’t know bookstores had porn!
Friend: Dude, that’s Cosmo!

Barnes & Noble
Illinois

Posted on July 21, 2023
Books, Comebacks, Compare and contrast, Friends, Guys, Illinois, Pop culture, Porn, Stores, Tweens

But, More Importantly, Why Is Your Subway Outside?

Guy with luggage: What’s the temperature tonight?
Guy without luggage: Two.
Guy with luggage: Two? Two! Why the fuck do people live here!?

Brown Line
Chicago, Illinois

Posted on July 20, 2023
Default, Guys, Illinois, Questions, Tourists, Train, Weather

Dude Said He Wanted to Sail on My Wine-Dark Sea

Girl on cell: I just heard the most epic pickup line. Like, if Homer had known this pickup line it would have been all over The Odyssey.

Northwestern University
Illinois

Posted on June 24, 2023
Books, Colleges & Universities, Girls, Illinois, On the phone, Words

Lack of Recognition Is Our Thing

Crazy guy at bus stop to young woman passing: Hey, girl, what's going on?
(girl passes without saying anything) Yeah, that's my girl right there!

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Emily

Posted on June 19, 2023
Crazies, Default, Feelings, Guys, Illinois, Questions

Wheeee!

Girl #1: How come I always feel drunk whenever you're drunk?
Girl #2: I don't know.
Girl #1: I think we're drunk cycling together!

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Claire

Posted on June 7, 2023
Compare and contrast, Default, Drinking & drunks, Feelings, Girls, Illinois, Questions

That, or the Mescaline Is Finally Kicking In.

Man with Mohawk on cell: Okay, so I'm not technically the father but there are 27 baby boa constrictors over here that all have Mohawks.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: cgt

Posted on May 13, 2023
Animals, Family ties, Guys, Hair, Illinois, On the phone, Parenting